Do you determine truthfulness through words, or actions?

Depends on what words, but sure. I have a thick skin, but some things are inexcusable. I feel like some thoughts when expressed deprive that person of a right to life itself.

 

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Valid points - it's not so easy to cut and run, a lot goes into long term friendships, etc. But, repeated violations, maybe that's the key. Anyone can mess up once or twice, but chronic behavior, whether in words or deeds, is what to beware of.

Well said, CC. I have to wonder what people ''get'' out of one sided friendships/relationships, because a true friendship is a two way street. It's fair to say that we all fall down at times in our responsibilities to our friends, but when one person aligns their actions with their speech, and the other doesn't...what does one have to gain by keeping such a fake friend around?

 

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Some people do have a way with words, indeed. In a bad way.

 

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Well, then there's co-dependency, which really has little to do with ''friendship.'' Co-dependency is when one person becomes a parasite in the relationship, and the other person is the host, allowing the parasite to use him/her. (The host is the co-dependent, not that you're co-dependent, but if you were to allow this person to keep gaining access to you for favors only, then you could be considered co-dependent.) That's not a friendship. I really don't understand the saying ''a friend in need is a friend indeed.'' No, that is not a friend, that's a user. lol If the guy was only hitting you up in order to gain favors from you, that's not a friend. Now, you can still choose to help him, but as long as you don't view him as a friend, then you'll be alright. I've been hurt a lot in my life so perhaps I'm a bit jaded when it comes to people's motives.

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This happened, too. One of the old friends - the oldest, actually, and the one I most trusted - said some things that escalated to a permanent parting of the ways. She expressed 'concern' about my partner; when pressed, she accused my partner of things that I know were not as she presented them. I couldn't tell whether her perception was coloured by her own negative experience, or jealousy, or emotional illness, or what, but it was quite obvious that someone bent on wrecking a generally happy 30-year domestic arrangements could not be in our lives.
It hurt, yes. We were both very fond of this woman - and had believed she was as fond of us. And, two years on, we still miss the friendship.

The saying goes the other way around: not a needy friend, but one who befriends you in your need is a friend indeed.

Since we lived three thousand miles apart for most of that time, and our meetings were rare, it wasn't the usual sort of using. In fact, the relatively minor impositions wouldn't have turned me against the guy: it was the bragging. In youth, he'd been pretty good company and we had some pleasant times together; now he's a bore. Just not making it worth my while.

People do change. Not fundamentally, in their core, but in their behaviour and manner. The flaws you were able to overlook when somebody was amusing, attractive and a little crass become unbearably annoying when they're sloppy, vulgar and still telling the same jokes. The 18-year-old fragile butterfly may appeal to your protective instinct; the bitter middle-aged whiner makes you cringe. I have a pretty good idea how my old friends see the changes in me, too. "Jeeves, who used to be sympathetic and generous has grown critical and mean."

 

I'm sorry that happened. Do you think though, that she was never a true friend to begin with? Sometimes, we don't know who our friends really are until they are tested. Maybe that was a test for her of sorts, unbeknownst to you, and she failed it because she tried to wreck your relationship with your partner. I've started viewing people more along those lines now, instead of being emotionally distraught over a friend's transgressions, I just chalk it up to...maybe he/she was never a friend to begin with. What do you think?

Doesn't erase the pain the person caused, but it can quicken the healing process a bit. True friends don't try to wreck other people's relationships.

 

Yes, she had been a very good friend in our turbulent youth, when those who march to a different drummer tend to find and support one another in what seemed like a world full of jocks, cheerleaders and well-adjusted C students. Then there was a period of distance (those 3000 miles), regular newsful, confiding correspondence both ways, a couple of happy visits. Then a long period of silence. I only found out when we reconnected what had happened to her during that time; I believed she was getting all necessary help and recovering. She seemed fine, and moving on, when we visited back and forth. And then... something broke. I have an idea what triggered it, but can't confirm my suspicion.

We were more stunned than hurt. Can't help.... I hope she'd dealing with it, but don't really want to risk contact again, which makes me feel a bit guilty - when I think of it. Mostly not.
We are all, to some degree, selfish and defensive.

Whoa! I never dish like this on forums. Not about other people! Shutting down now, okay?

 

both

in balance .