Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. exchemist Valued Senior Member

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    Exactly. I'm not going to risk the link to find out any more - could be a great way to import malware.
     
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  3. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    Me too. It takes all of my time.
     
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  5. exchemist Valued Senior Member

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    In an idle moment I looked up the unusual ".tk" extension on the web link given on this poster's profile. I found this interesting paragraph

    "In 2006, McAfee conducted a survey in which they claim out of the 95 percent most trafficked web sites, .tk domains were twice as likely as the global average to be used for "unwanted behaviors", including scams such as phishing and spam.[4] However, in 2008 McAfee reported that the threat of scams like phishing and spam was significantly reduced with .tk and that other top level domains such as .com and .net were much more used in such scams.[5]

    A 2011 report by the Anti Phishing Working Group blamed Tokelau's bad reputation on the registry Dot TK. It acquired the right to operate the top level domain and is responsible for the current free registration system. .tk domains logged 2533 of 11768 (~21.5%) total phishing attacks in the second half of 2010 Internet-wide.[6]"
     
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  7. James R Just this guy, you know? Staff Member

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    Better to be safe than sorry. CuteMary: if you were for real and not a scammer, by some chance, perhaps try again with a more reputable profile and fewer links to suspicious sites.
     
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  8. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    Lol Michael345.

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  9. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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  10. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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  11. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    George gets a job in a sex shop and the owner goes for lunch leaving George by himself. A woman comes in and asks, "How much is that red one?"

    "Twenty dollars."

    "How much is that black one?"

    "Thirty dollars."

    "Oooh! How much is that big silver one?"

    "I'm afraid that isn't for sale."

    "Oh come on. I'll give you forty dollars."

    "But I...."

    "Fifty."

    "I can't...."

    "Sixty."

    Finally he agreed to sell it for eighty dollars. When the boss came back she asked how it went.

    "Pretty slow," George replied, " but I sold your thermos."
     
  12. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    How do Hedgehogs make love?

    Very carefully.
     
  13. arfa brane call me arf Valued Senior Member

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    When I went to primary school, I was taught to pull my head in.
    At intermediate school, I learned to keep my head down.
    At high school, I was told to hold my head up, but by then it was far too late.
     
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  14. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    A man enters a fish and chip shop and orders fish, chips and a carton of peas.

    The Man behind the counter asks, "Would you like it wrapping?"

    The Man replies, "Yes please."

    The Man behind the counter sings, "I said a fish, chips and a carton of peas. I said a fish chips and a carton of peas."

    ("Do you want it rapping?")
     
  15. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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  16. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    Very good, Michael345, and well spotted. DID you smell like prawns??
     
  17. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    What did Adam say to his Wife on the night before Christmas?

    It's Christmas, Eve.

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  18. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    An Englishman, Scottishman, and Irishman are on a four-engine plane when they take off.

    Mid-flight one of the engines goes out, and the Captain announces, "Unfortunately due to an engine failure, we will be delayed for one-hour."

    The Englishman curses, "I'm going to miss my meeting."

    A short-time later, two-engines go out and the Captain announces, "Unfortunately due to a couple of engine failures, we will be delayed for two-hours."

    The Scottishman curses, "I'm going to miss my Whisky tasting."

    The Irishman says, "I hope the other engine doesn't fail or we'll be here all day."
     
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  19. foghorn Registered Senior Member

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    The following are from a 1921 US magazine called 'Captain Billy's Whiz Bang,'
    Public Domain
    https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/61115
    - - - -
    When was the last time Good Friday fell on Easter Sunday?
    - - - -
    Can you give me an example of the height of curiosity?
    A woman sticking her finger into a bowl of soup to see if it leaves a dent.
    - - - -
    I admire you very much and wish to tell you that I am a neat, nifty and nice little girl. All of my hats are from Paris, though I must confess my stockings were all made in America. Would you like to see Paris?
    No, I’m patriotic. I’d rather see America first.
    - - - -
    An Irishman at confession noticed that the priest had a watch on a fob. As it was easy he nicked it. Continuing his confession he said, “And Father, I stole a gold watch and fob from a man, but I will give it to you.” The priest was horrified by the suggestion and said, “No, you must give it to the man you took it from.” Pat replied, “But, Father, I offered it to him and he would not take it.” Then, said the priest, “You may keep it.”
    - - - -
    May I hold your Palm, Olive?
    Not on your Life, Buoy.
     
  20. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Email from friend

    Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

    The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.

    On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

    Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

    Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

    The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

    With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

    Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine & wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had me beaten & I couldn’t continue.”

    Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “How did you win the debate?” they asked.

    “I haven’t a clue,” said Moishe. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we’re staying right here.”

    “And then what?” asked a woman.

    “Who knows?” said Moishe, “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

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  21. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    How does Yogi eat honey?

    With his bear hands.

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  22. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Email from friend

    A man prayed passionately to be able to take some worldly wealth with him

    god allows him ONE cabin size suitcase which he fills with gold bars

    At the pearly gates St Peter objects

    The suitcase carrier insists that St Peter check with the boss

    After St Peter checks he asks for a peek inside

    On seeing the gold bars his brow furrows and he says

    “You brought pavement bricks?”

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  23. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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    At the 2.20 mark.....
     
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