Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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    AW
    C'mon man, where's the fun in that?
     
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  3. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Jesus and his mates walk up to a restaurant

    I'd like a table for 26 please

    The booking waiter does a head count

    There are only 13 here. Will the others be here soon?

    No we are all going to sit on one side

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  5. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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    c'mon man
    you can do better than that.

    eg:
    "uh, wow dude
    i hate to bug you at a time like this
    but
    would you mind crossing yer laigs?
    i only brought 3 nails."
     
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  7. Write4U Valued Senior Member

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    Ooooh.....that's baaad!
     
  8. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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    ok so much for triclavianism jokes---(unless you got a better'un?)

    and then
    we have jesus' last words spoken in an unknown language/dialect
    lots of good jokes there
    feel free to improvise
     
  9. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    The virus problem has caused many problems

    One has been shortage of surgical masks for various health care professionals

    Calls have gone out for civilians to improvise

    Many bra makers heeded the call and adapted from bras to masks

    Shortly after distribution the manager came down to the production floor to make a announcement

    Mask were only to be made from the left side of the bra

    Seems like no one wanted to wear a mask looking like a right tit

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  10. Write4U Valued Senior Member

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    ~~~~~~~~~~~~

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    Ooooh..... that's really baaaaad!

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  11. Benson Registered Senior Member

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    What do you do with a wok?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    You throw it at a wabbit.
     
  12. Benson Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    186
    Is there a tax I can pay to stop Coronavirus?

    Or does that only work for climate change?
     
  13. TheFrogger Banned Valued Senior Member

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  14. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing mate. You're just like Brian"

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

    Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

    Cabbie: "Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make them feel good. He would never answer back even if they were in the wrong. And his clothing was so immaculate even his shoes were highly polished. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian he died I'm married to his widow."

    Copy / paste mates email

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  15. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    More copy / paste mates email

    Having eaten his food Churchill was lighting a cigar when he suddenly let out an enormous fart.

    From the other side of the table one of the guests declared “ Mr Churchill, you just farted in front of my wife”.

    Churchill’s immediate response was “I am sorry, I didn't know it was her turn”.

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  16. James R Just this guy, you know? Staff Member

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    More Churchill:

    Either the socialist MP Bessie Braddock or the Conservative Lady Astor, the first female MP (depending on which version of the story you hear), accused Churchill of being "disgustingly drunk". He replied: "My dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."

    Another one:

    While Churchill was on the toilet he was informed there was a call from the Lord Privy Seal. Churchill said "Tell him I can only deal with one shit at a time."
     
  17. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    6,202
    There was a young lad from Tibet
    Who had a geometry set.
    The limiting factor:
    It lacked a protractor
    But it was the best he could get.
     
  18. foghorn Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    501
    Two freshman philosophy students see the following bulletin posted on the wall of their lecture hall:

    ''Crash Course in Logical Assumptions. Saturday, September 26, 1998, All Day''

    Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor's office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside.

    Student: "Uh...Sir..What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?"
    Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
    Student: "Uh...Yes, I do."

    Professor: "Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive."
    Student: "Yes, I drive. "

    Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends."
    Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates."

    Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you have date partners."
    Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend."

    Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
    Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time."

    Once back outside, his friend asks him: "So, what's it all about?"
    "Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
    "No."
    "Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"
     
  19. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    This bloke goes to his doctor not feeling so good

    After numerous test results come back the

    Doctor says You don't have long to live

    Bloke says Well I will be going to a far better place, heaven

    Doctor says You enjoy your wine your women and you sing?

    Bloke I sure do

    Doctor Well in heaven, no more wine, no more women, but you can sing as much as you want

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  20. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    With everything changing why are EXIT signs still on the way out?

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  21. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    I'm still trying to find the egress.
     
  22. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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  23. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    A reporter was sent to Africa to cover a completely new species of animal. The species was extremely remarkable because it did not have any DNA

    This would totally upset the Theory of Evolution on Earth, or show another lifeform occurred and had remained hidden

    On arrival and a 5 day trip to the remote location reporter arrived at a surprisingly well set up camp

    Introductions all round and reporter set up to conduct the interview

    The leader set about explaining the generally complexity of life and why this life form was so unique

    Reporter asked if he could obtain some photos

    Sure no problems and a assistant was called in to take reporter to the collection hanger

    The assistant turned out to be a cross between Dr Frankenstein's monster and Quasimodo

    In the hanger reporter is shown a extremely large collection of animals none of which looked like anything he had seen before. Even more it was explained to him despite the range of body forms (fish like, dog like, bird like) they were all of same species

    And the offspring could produce a mixed body form from parents

    Back in the office reporter thanked the leader and began to make arrangements to return to the newspaper. Before he left he asked had the assistant been in accident on site which had left him the way he was

    Sort of, replied the leader. We were being pestered by some locals in nearby village for taking their wildlife. We got it sorted out all except one, the witchdoctor, who wanted parts of the animals for his spells

    When my assistant caught him in the hanger he told him to fuck off

    Never been the same since

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