Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. Equinox Registered Member

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    Why did logic cross the road?

    Because the reasoning was conducted and assessed according to strict principles of validity.
    Logic was not so fun at parties however, and tended to stand in the corner alone all night holding a slightly warm beer.
     
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  3. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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    By putting words in their mouths. "those bloody foreigners" is what you said people think.

    You are making an issue of caring into and issue of resentment. And then asserting that "people" feel this way.

    No. You feel this way.
     
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  5. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    Read it again. It was a presumption, not an assertion.
     
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  7. Equinox Registered Member

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    I saw a thing, annoying, I had to say just so.
    Everyone around me, they said just let it go.

    I festered and I fretted, this thing was just so wrong.
    I had to make my point, my feeling was so strong.

    I made a great big blather, annoyed everyone around.
    But my point was 'oh so' poignant, and I was very proud.

    And then when it came to it, and my logic 'oh so' clear.
    I realised my 'logic' had left me feeling queer.

    I lost my sense of humour, and couldn't it back.
    Came unto my senses, and realised that I'm a Tw...
     
  8. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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  9. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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    Agree. Presumption is an even better word.
     
  10. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    That's why I used it. I presumed that the words were in people's mouths. I didn't "assert" that they were there and I certainly didn't put them there.
     
  11. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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    There's really no difference. People are not here to take the words out of their mouths, so you make an assertion by putting those words into their mouths. It's just an unfounded assertion is all.

    Presumption is a better word simply because it at least carries with it the implication that it is unfounded.
     
  12. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    Which is why I used it. I didn't claim any foundation.
     
  13. Michael 345 Valued Senior Member

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    Here's one from the nurses

    A student nurse come running up to the Charge Sister

    "Sister Mr Jones in bed 25 just died and his wife will be here soon for visiting hour. What shall we do?"

    "Yes well it's to late to take him out of the ward now. Make him look as natural as you can and I'll be along soon"

    Visiting hour came and the Charge Sister opened the ward doors

    As the visitors came in she spotted Mrs Jones

    She went up to her and explained that her husband had just died

    "Oh well he was 92 and sick for a long time. Thank you for all your care"

    "No problem"

    "I'll just go and see him now"

    "Very well and I'll be along soon"

    A short time later there was an almighty commotion in Bed 25 bay

    The Charge Sister rushes in to find Mrs Jones fainted on the floor with

    Mr James sitting in the chair next to the bed dressed in his best suit, pipe in mouth with his glasses on looking like he was reading the newspaper

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  14. Truck Captain Stumpy Registered Senior Member

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    Michael 345
    LMFAO

    lots of nurses in my family and they all loved this one!

    thanks!
     
  15. Michael 345 Valued Senior Member

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    I heard it as a student nurse a zillion years ago

    Even before then as a medic in the RAAF (medic is the name they give to those who did the 3 months training in the RAAF)

    If you join as a Registered Nurse you get the rank of Flight Lieutenant

    Medic is about Enrolled Nurse

    One of the Lieutenant Nurses was back and forth in the ward ensuring everything was perfect for Matrons inspection

    In those days Matrons used to visit EVERY bed in THEIR hospital

    They would pick someone from the ward staff to go with them and discuss each patient from the end of the bed

    Arh those were the days

    Anyway back to the funny incident

    As I said Ward charge sister was going through the ward

    Everything had to be perfect

    All the blinds at the same level

    All the bed sheets and blankets folded the same amount

    One old Sargent kept messing up to system

    For the umptieth time she went to his bed to straighten the sheets which was in a tent formation as the Sargent twitched around

    "Sargent put your leg down and stop messing about"

    He looked her in the eye and time stopped

    "Sister that's not my leg and I am not messing about"

    She left the ward in a hurry and it was my first time to go on ward inspection with Matron

    Good ol days

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  16. Truck Captain Stumpy Registered Senior Member

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    ROTFLMFAO

    gotta love a good ol' salty NCO, eh?

    true story from basic training:
    i was on an appointment and was missing one of the classes... the Drill Sergeant is teaching the soldiers how to knock, enter a room and report to an officer when called.
    he goes through the motions and teaches how to knock (one time only) and await a response from within, etc
    (blah blah blah... i won't continue with the explanation as it's tedious and boring)

    i get back just as he is concluding his presentation. i was quietly moving to a desk when...
    "Private! How do you enter your commanders office when summoned?" he yelled at me as i tried to sit down
    I snapped to attention.
    "Through the door, Drill Sergeant!" i yelled.

    yep - i had to do push-ups for a long time after the laughter died down... but it was totally worth it

    *************
    feel free to share all the military jokes you want
    ... i told this one to my brother-in-law (a Marine). just FYI- I was an Air Farce Firefighter/Paramedic (a Truck Captain, hence my moniker)
    !!

    A company of Marines were marching through the training area. Off in the distance there was a hill, and atop the hill there was a lone Air Force Firefighter wearing his dress blues, immaculately dressed and pressed, with shoes you could shave in and a bright polished chrome badge on his chest.

    as the Marines marched and called cadence, the Air Force Firefighter started to ridicule them calling them wussies
    the marines got pissed and requested permission to engage the enemy.
    The butter bar in charge didn't want mayhem, so he asked who the best fighter was in the unit... 3 arms went up
    the Lt. chose the biggest, baddest looking Lance Corporal to charge the firefighter and he did...
    as the Lance Corporal went up the hill towards the firefighter, the firefighter sauntered behind the hill out of sight
    the Lance corporal disappeared over the hill and there was a lot of screaming, yelling and cries of pain...
    then silence

    the firefighter sauntered back to the hilltop, his uniform emaculate
    "is that the best you can do? Holy Sh*t! i thought you guys were tough! my grandma farts harder than you hit!"
    the Lt was mad, but chose 5 men to charge the firefighter... and up they went as the firefighter sauntered over the hilltop again out of sight
    cries of pain, screams and groans with loud smashing sounds filled the air...
    then silence

    the firefighter appeared on the hilltop again, still perfectly pressed and not a hair out of place...
    "you p*ssies! i could take on the whole company and not mess up my shoes!" the firefighter yelled...
    the Lt had enough, he ordered the whole company to charge!
    as they were going up the hill the first marine manages to crawl over the hill, battered, torn, bruised, beaten and generally in really poor shape

    "go back! GO BACK!!!" he yelled.
    "It's a TRAP! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!
     
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  17. Michael 345 Valued Senior Member

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    Got it

    Like it

    As a rookie at Wagga Wagga (town in Australia) I happen to see another rookie walking back to barracks with a 2 mugs of tea 1 in each hand

    It happened he passed between two officers

    Yep

    He looked one way saluted

    Still holding that salute

    looked the other way and saluted with the other hand

    Waited until the officers pissing themselves with laughter had gone

    Turned around and went back for more tea

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  18. Truck Captain Stumpy Registered Senior Member

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  19. Truck Captain Stumpy Registered Senior Member

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  20. Dr_Toad It's green! Valued Senior Member

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    An old Texas rancher walked into a bar in Odessa, sat down and ordered a beer.

    He noticed that Ted Cruz and Donald Trump were sitting a corner booth, was curious and sort of awe-struck that they were there in the first place, so he stepped over and asked, "What are y;all doing way out here in this place?"

    Trump smiled and Cruz answerd, "We're trying to figure out how to kill 140,000 Muslims and one big-titted blonde,

    The guy lost it, yelling, "Why would you to kill a big-titted blonde?"



    Trump laughed and told Cruz, "See, I told you nobody cares about 140,000 Muslims!"
     
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  21. Michael 345 Valued Senior Member

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    Cruz then asked the rancher if he had any ideas

    "I have a few if your willing to shell out a few thousand dollars"

    "No problem" said Donald and Ted

    "We I know a few folks in the hills. Get me a few of those top notch scopies hunting rifles and I'll take them on a hunting trip"

    "Won't they worry about.. you know?"

    "Not if I tell them they taste like chicken"

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  22. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    One of our local (seedy) hotels has a beer store attached. No doubt they make more money from that than from room rentals. Now it's all glass and bright lights but it used to be a plain cinder-block structure with one small window about eight feet above the ground. A hand-lettered sign in the window said, "Please enter through door."
     
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  23. DrKrettin Registered Senior Member

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    This isn't a joke, but allegedly what happened in a reconstruction of events in the emergency ward of a hospital (USA). This was the TV prog that I saw last night, and it¡s all quite serious. Apart from the usual stuff of drunks and broken limbs, a bloke gets wheeled in with a crowbar through his head. Everybody is in shock, especially because he is awake and talking. The doctor on duty says it's imperative that he find out what the guy is saying, but it's Arabic, so a nurse is dispatched to find somebody in the hospital who could translate. Half an hour goes by while the doctor calls a team together to deal with the problem, and eventually the nurse turns up with a woman who speaks Arabic. During all this time the guy is talking. Then there is a conversation like this:
    Doc: (to the woman) Can you understand what the patient is saying?
    Woman: Oh yes, he is quite lucid and I understand what he is saying very clearly
    Doc: OK - what is he saying?
    Woman: He's saying "Please remove this crowbar from my head"
     
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