Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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  1. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    6,493
    This resembles other list, but worth reading.

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    Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and
    some days you're the statue.

    Always keep your words soft and sweet, just
    in case you have to eat them.

    Always read stuff that will make you look good
    if you die in the middle of it.

    Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot
    at tax collectors, and miss.

    Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can
    be recalled by their maker.

    Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing
    worse will happen to you for the rest of the
    day.

    If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice
    into a watergun and shoot other people in the
    eyes.

    If you can't be kind, at least have the decency
    to be vague.

    If you can't beat your computer at chess, try
    kickboxing.

    If you lend someone $20, and never see that
    person again, it was probably worth it.

    If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat
    until caught. Then lie.

    It may be that your sole purpose in life is
    simply to serve as a warning to others.

    Never buy a car you can't push.

    Never put both feet in your mouth at the same
    time, because then you don't have a leg to stand
    on.

    Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes
    your time and annoys the pig.

    Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just
    get up and dance.

    The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep
    late.

    When everything's coming your way, you're
    in the wrong lane.

    You are what you eat. So stay away from the
    jerk chicken.

    Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school
    -- you'll be working for them in the future.
     
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  3. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    AHHH To Be 6 Again

    A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
    birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
    On the morning of her birthday, he got her up
    bright and early and off they went to a local
    theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride
    in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
    the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!


    Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
    park, her head reeling and her stomach upside
    down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where
    her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
    fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then
    it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic,
    a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous
    adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
    collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly
    asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six
    again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my
    dress size."

    The moral of this story: Even when the man
    is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
     
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  5. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    Always Be Nice To Your Nurse !!

    When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice
    to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable.
    A bossy businessman learned the hard way after
    ordering his nurses around as if they were his
    employees. But the head nurse stood up to him.
    One morning she entered his room and announced,
    "I have to take your temperature." After complaining
    for several minutes, he finally settled down,
    crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm
    sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading,
    I can't use an oral thermometer." This started
    another round of complaining, but eventually
    he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling
    the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
    announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
    just like that until I get back!"

    She left the door to his room open on her way
    out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard
    people walking past his door laughing. After
    almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the
    room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.


    Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter,
    Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their
    temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But
    never with a carnation."
     
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  7. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    6,493
    Always go last

    One day in the great forest a magical frog
    was walking down to a water hole. This forest
    was so big that the frog had never seen another
    animal in all his life. By chance today a bear
    was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.


    The frog called for the two to stop. The frog
    said, "Because you are the only two animals I
    have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear,
    you go first." The bear thought for a minute,
    and being the male he was said, "I wish for all
    the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."


    For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash
    helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was
    amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting
    his wish like that.

    It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well,
    I wish that all the bears in the next forest
    were female as well."

    Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately
    hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear
    was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these
    stupid things, after all, he could have asked
    for money and bought the motorcycle.

    For the last wish the bear thought for a while
    and then said, "I wish that all the bears in
    the world, besides me, were female."

    The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and
    said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

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  8. scheherazade Northern Horse Whisperer Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    3,798
    KEEP THE GRAY MATTER ACTIVE


    1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first
    child was named April. The second child was named
    May. What was the third child's name?

    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five
    feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.
    What does he weigh?

    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the
    highest mountain in the world?

    4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures
    two feet by three feet by four feet?

    5. What word in the English Language is always
    spelled incorrectly?

    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday
    is always in the summer. How is this possible?

    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man
    with a wooden leg. Why not?

    8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

    9. If you were running a race, and you passed the
    person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

    10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg
    are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4
    haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks
    would he have if he combined them all in another field?

    Here are the Answers


    1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first
    child was named April. The second child was named
    May. What was the third child's name?
    Answer: Johnny of course

    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five
    feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers.
    What does he weigh?
    Answer: Meat.

    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the
    highest mountain in the world?
    Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.
    [You're not very good at this are you?]

    4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures
    two feet by three feet by four feet?
    Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

    5. What word in the English Language is always
    spelled incorrectly?
    Answer: Incorrectly

    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday
    is always in the summer. How is this possible?
    Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man
    with a wooden leg. Why not?
    Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg.
    You need a camera to take pictures.

    8. What was the President's Name in 1975?
    Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come
    on .....]

    9. If you were running a race, and you passed the
    person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
    Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the
    person in second place, not first.

    10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg
    are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
    Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4
    haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks
    would he have if he combined them all in another field?
    Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks,
    they all become one big stack.
    You can go back to sleep now...
     
  9. Shogun Bleed White and Blue! Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,635
  10. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    6,493
    An other blonde joke. A blonde, wanting to
    earn some money, decided to hire herself out
    as a handyman type person and started canvassing
    a well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front
    door of the first house and asked the owner if
    he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can
    paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The
    blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed
    and told her that the paint and other materials
    that she might need were in the garage. The man's
    wife, inside the house, heard the conversation
    and said to her husband, "Does she realize that
    the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should, she was standing
    on it." A short time later the blonde came to
    the door to collect her money. "You're finished
    already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
    "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
    coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket
    for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added,
    "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus

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  11. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    6,493
    And You Expected What?

    When the store manager returned from lunch, he
    noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before
    he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had
    some very good news for him.

    "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally
    sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

    "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue
    double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

    "That's the one!"

    "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought
    we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That
    had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But
    tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

    "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the
    guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
     
  12. arfa brane call me arf Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,013
    Potential new bioweapon?

    You may have heard of the locker-room phenomenon known as: "soxygen", and its more lethal partner: "joxygen".
    Now science journos have uncovered plans by the US military to formulate bioweapons from these natural by-products.

    Major Dufus, a Defence Dept. spokesperson, commented: "We hope to be able to package a concentrated form of joxygen, which when delivered on the battlefield will clear it of enemy combatants rapidly. We've given this project a 'don't ask, don't smell' classification, which means we avoid having to go through any National Security vetting of said product."

    This means the number of days between jock changes for army jocks has, for now, been classified a National Security interest, according to Major Dufus.
     
  13. jonyson Registered Member

    Messages:
    19
    you are right. thanks for given information..........
     
  14. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    6,493
    Father Smitty was sitting inside the confessional booth when he started
    getting gas pains, he had to go to the washroom real bad. He looked outside
    the door to see if Father Brown was anywhere around to take over the
    confessional booth.
    Father Brown was nowhere to be seen except for John the Caretaker.
    "Pssst! Could you do me a favor John? Could you sit in the booth while I go
    to the washroom, I have to go real bad" Father Smitty asked.
    "I would not know what to say or do in there Father, what kind of punishment
    would I give to these sinners??" said John.
    Father Smitty said" Oh that's easy, use your judgement, depending on the
    severity of their sins, give them all a bunch of Hail Marys and tell them
    the Lord will forgive them and also tell them not to do it anymore and send
    them on their way."
    "Ok" Said John, " But make it fast"
    The 1st person to go in the booth was a young lady who said" My Father,
    please forgive me for my sin, but the other day I was broke and had no food
    in the house to feed my Baby and I went to the store and stole some bread
    and milk and I feel so guilty"
    John said "Ok, you will have to say 10 Hail Marys and the Lord will forgive
    you this time, you may go"
    "Thank you Father" said the young woman.
    2nd person walks in and she says" Father I am so sorry I have sinned this
    past week, The other day I was in my backyard hanging some clothes on the
    clothesline and saw my neighbor in his backyard doing some work, he was
    wearing nothing but a pair of sexy shorts and he was all sweaty, it sent
    shivers down my spine, I was having impure thoughts. But I am a married
    woman and I love my husband and cannot be thinking that way"
    "Wow" John is thinking," This is not a bad job" Ok, for punishment, you will
    go and say 20 hail Marys, and the Lord will forgive you this time and don't
    think about your neighbor like that anymore if you are a married woman, you
    may go"
    The 3rd woman walks in the booth and says, "father I have sinned just
    yesterday"
    "What happened" said John
    'Well last night I gave this man a blowjob, I sucked on his penis and I am
    so ashamed of this"
    John said to himself,"Wow, this is bad, I can't just give her a bunch of
    Hail Marys for this and send her home, I wonder where father Smitty is and
    what he would give out as punishment?"
    he looks out the back door of the booth to see if Father Smitty was coming
    back and he was nowhere around, but there was an Altar Boy sitting in the
    pew.
    "Pssst, come here please" john whispered to the Altar Boy.
    "What does father Smitty usually give out for a blowjob"
    Altar Boy said" Usually he gives me a Chip and a Coke"
     
  15. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    6,493
    Thirty Times
    -------------------------

    On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
    three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the
    window onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only goat was lying dead
    in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly
    continue to sexually satisfy her husband and three sons now that the goat
    was dead. In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

    When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the goat,
    he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself
    in the head.

    Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead, and the
    goat, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got
    to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I seen
    all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me
    five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the goat to you."
    The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it
    up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

    Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
    happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said
    to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make
    everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was
    not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

    The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead goat
    in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless
    prospect, especially with his goat gone, and he went down to the river to
    throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that
    has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with
    me fifteen times in a row."

    The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a
    row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said,
    "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly
    agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally,
    she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a
    row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health, along with your
    goat." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a
    row won't kill you like it did the goat?"
     
  16. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    6,493

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    Subject: Top 50 Unwritten rules about the game of golf

    1. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic and, while this cannot be measured scientifically, the more expensive the ball, the greater this water-magnetism.

    2. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

    3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

    4.Errors go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you keep your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

    5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

    6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

    7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

    8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

    9. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

    10. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

    11. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

    12. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

    13. It's not a 'gimme' if you're still away.

    14. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

    15. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

    16. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

    17. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

    18. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

    19. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

    20. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

    21. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

    22. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

    23. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

    24. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

    25. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

    26. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

    27. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

    28. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play

    29. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

    30. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

    31. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

    32. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

    33. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

    34. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

    35. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

    36. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

    37. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

    38. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

    39. You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.

    40. A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer.

    41. All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

    42. An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.

    43. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

    44. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

    45. Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater that desire.

    46. Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into water.

    47. It’s easier to get up at 6 AM to play golf than at 10 AM to mow the yard.

    48. The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the available supply decreases.

    49. The secret of golf is: use your real swing to take the big divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always hit your do-over first.

    50. Your best round of golf will be immediately followed by your worst round. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
     
  17. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    6,493
    A battered up Superman meets up with Batman one day.
    Batman asked him"Hey Superman, what the fuck happened to you?, you look like
    shit"
    "I'm embarrassed to say" said Superman."This afternoon I was flying over the
    city and happened to see Wonder Woman sunbathing in the nude on top of this
    building and she had her legs spread wide open. Of course I got a woody just
    looking at her, so I decided to surprise her and make a hard landing and ram
    my Dick right in her juicy pussy "
    "Wow" said batman"I'll betcha she must have been surprised when you rammed
    in"
    "Well" said Superman, she was not as surprised as the Invisible Man who was
    there fucking her at that time.
     
  18. Ivan Seeking Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    883
    Last night, my wife and I had a disagreement. After a bit of discussion, she conceeded, "You're right".

    "Of course I am", said I, "that's why God made me the man!".


    Sometimes I crack myself up. My wife didn't seem to appreciate the humor quite as much as I did though. Not sure why yet...
     
  19. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    6,493
    Bungee Jumping in Mexico

    Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first
    guy says to the second. "You know, we could make
    a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
    service in Mexico."

    The second guy thinks this is a great idea,
    so the two pool their money and buy everything
    they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance,
    etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up
    on the square. As they are constructing the tower,
    a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
    more people gather to watch them at work.

    The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end
    of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second
    guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
    Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch
    him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up
    again.

    This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,
    the second guy misses him. The first guy falls
    again and bounces back up.

    This time, he comes back pretty messed up -
    he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
    unconscious.

    Luckily, the second guy finally catches him
    this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord
    too long?"

    The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine,
    but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
     
  20. Shogun Bleed White and Blue! Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,635
    LOL it's hilarious!

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    Screenshot from ESPN

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  21. Anti-Flag Pun intended Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    3,714
    Pff easy. Except the one about the wooden leg, that one had me stumped....
     
  22. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    33,264
    Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered:


    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


    2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran


    3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

    5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

    6. If all is not lost, where is it?

    7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

    8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

    9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere

    13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

    [That's also when that important call you've been waiting for comes]

    14. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
     
  23. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    33,264
    * The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

    * We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop

    * If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers

    * Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

    * Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

    * When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow

    * Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

    * Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton

    * Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer

    * The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. ~P.J. O'Rourke

    * I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

    * A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan

    * Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal

    * I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

    * Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

    * Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown

    * There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers
     
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