ARE YOU AUSTRALIAN? Take the Arthur Thacker quiz and see for yourself. 1. What did your ancestors do for a living? a) They were farmers. b) Craftsmen who made a living with their hands. c) Robbers, rapists, pickpockets, horse-thieves and generally a right lawless shower of bastards. 2. How do you view the cause of the Aborigines and other indigenous folk? a) They have a just cause and rights just like everyone else. b) They should be given their land rights back immediately. c) Fuck 'em. Black bastards. We were here first. It's in all the history books cos we wrote 'em and we should know. Cheeky freeloading nigger cunts. 3. A member of the British Royal Family is visiting your country and you are the Prime Minister. How do you behave to show them how respectful you are? a) With all the proper dignity that she deserves in her position as Head of the Commonwealth. b) With respect, but without being too sycophantic about it. You can show respect in lots of different ways. c) Slap her on the back at the airport and go: "Har ya doin', Sheila? G'day, mate. Dinkum, sport." Fart, burp, scratch your fucking arse and behave like a complete twat all through her visit because you couldn't give a fuck. Who the fuck is she anyway? 4. Your national cricket team is beaten by the West Indies, hammered 5-0 in a test series. How do you show grace in defeat? a) By saying how great they must have played to beat you. b) By telling the world you are proud to have been beaten by such a great side. c) Black bastards. Fixed. What can you do when the fucking umpire's a spear-chucker as well? Cunts. 5. Your national cricket team beats the West Indies 5-0 in a test series. How do you show grace in victory? a) By saying you must have played brilliantly to beat one of the greatest sides in the world. b) By telling the world you are proud to have won and that it was closer than the scores suggest. c) Black bastards. Fucking shit they were. Whoever said coons could play cricket must have been fucking drunk, mate. 6. You go to the toilet and sit down. What happens next? a) Well, what would you expect? b) That's a bit of a personal question. c) You get bitten on the arse by a spider three-foot long, your balls drop off, your arse turns green and you die within ten seconds. 7. Describe your bathroom. a) A posh en suite affair with brass taps and trimmings, bath, toilet, bidet, jacuzzi, the lot. b) Just a basic bathroom and matching toilet. c) A wooden shack the size of a broom cupboard with a tin mop bucket on the fucking floor and flies buzzing round three-week-old turds. You dirty smelly twat. 8. What do you watch on television in an average day? a) Varied and of high quality - drama, comedy, documentaries, news. b) Pretty basic stuff but a decent and varied mix. c) Skippy, Neighbours, Home & Away, Skippy, Bluey, Skippy again, Prisoner Cell Block fucking H, Skippy a-fucking-gain, Neighbours, Home & bastard Away, Skippy, Skippy, Skippy and fucking Skippy. 9. Describe your country's version of football. a) The same as football around the world. b) A different game altogether - more like rugby and with lots of razzamatazz and glitz. More of a show business affair than a sport. c) A load of fucking animals in vests and tight shorts knocking bastard lumps of each other, punching the ref, eating one another's faces and generally waging war for an hour and a half while no cunt knows what the fuck is going on. 10. Who is your greatest international star? a) A Hollywood screen legend. b) A world famous rock star. c) Some irritating cunt with a beard and glasses who paints fucking stupid pictures, blows his didgeri-fucking-doo and sings "I'm Jake the Peg diddle diddle diddle dum." The big soft cunt. 11. You are a famous rock star married to a beautiful wife and with millions of dollars to your name. You are at a loose end one day. What do you do to occupy yourself? a) Relax with a few tinnies of Fosters, chilling because you rarely get much time to yourself. b) Play a little music or watch some TV. c) Take loads of drugs and get pissed as a fart, then accidentally strangle yourself by hanging your sorry arse from a door with a leather belt. While having a wank. You dirty fucking pervy cunt. 12. What is your idea of fashion or looking good? a) Designer dressware of the highest quality. b) Just wearing the right things for what suits you. c) A shitty old hat with bastard corks hanging from it. 13. What do you do for a living? a) Work hard all day, six days a week, to earn money to live in relative comfort. b) Work quite hard, but you have people under you to take some of the work load. c) Fuck all. Just sit on your arse on the beach all day eyeing up women and drinking piss lager while catching skin cancer. You fucking bone idle twat. 14. Why are there so many flies where you live? a) Because the weather is so hot. b) You don't know. You've never really noticed. c) Because you fucking smell, you sweaty bastard. You even let the dirty disease-spreading fuckers fly into your mouth and do nothing about it. I've seen you on telly, you filthy shower of cunts. 15. How did your ancestors arrive in your country? a) By boat. b) By plane. c) In chains. 16. You are a blonde-haired singer who's probably as bent as a nine-bob note, you queer-arsed fuck. But you are outraged when a magazine suggests as much. What do you do? a) Nothing. Ignore it because you know the truth about your own sexuality. b) Send the magazine a stern solicitor's letter warning them not to say such things again. c) Sue the bastards and make a fucking big song and dance about it just to show how straight and normal you are. You're not queer. Are you fuck, and you'll sue any cunt who says you are. Queer? You? No fucking chance. You've shagged Kylie Minogue you have...er...nearly. You're as straight as fuck, you are, even though you've appeared in gay porn films and been caught shagging blokes. You lying bent bastard. 17. Your country is a beautiful place and there are many visitors, mainly young girls on back-packing holidays. What can they expect from your country? a) Beautiful scenery, amazing wildlife, wonderful climate. Everything really. b) Whatever they would want is here for them - to suit all needs. c) Some fucking twisted cunt to grab them off the road in his pick-up truck and murder them in horrific ways. And wank on their corpses. The twat. 18. What animal is the symbol of your country? a) A bald eagle - majestic and towering, powerful and commanding respect. b) A bulldog - tenacious, fearless, strong and solid. c) Some fucking rat with a beak, flippers, a face like a mole and that swims underwater. And lays eggs! I mean, for fuck's sake! What the cunting hell is that supposed to be? Fucking freak. 19. You have emigrated to a foreign country and it isn't really to your liking. What do you do? a) Nothing. There's nothing you can do apart from make the best of the situation and hope that it will grow on you. b) Try to move back to your own country whilst making the effort to get along with the place. c) Fucking moan and bastard whinge about how shit it is compared to where you come from, even though they booted your arse out of there and wouldn't have you back for fuck all. The weather's crap and the beer's warm, and there's Pakis every-fucking-where, not like in your country. Fuck this. You wouldn't stop here if you didn't have to. You can't go for five minutes without spouting off to some cunt about how much you hate the place and how great your country is. Yet you have the fucking nerve to call us "whingeing poms". You cheeky fucking upside down cunt. Go on. Fuck off. 20. Describe the way you talk, your accent and so forth. a) Very clear and precise. You'd say you were able to communicate pretty easily. b) With a hint of accent though not much. You are pretty good at communicating. c) Like a deaf cockney with cerebral palsy who's drunk twenty pints of Carlsberg Special and a bottle of meths. You incoherent, slavering slobbering twat. Imagine Stephen Hawking powered down and crossed with Bob Hoskins...well, that's what you sound like. How the Brits ever mutated into you shower of braindead, imbecilic cunts is beyond me. We should have sent you to the fucking Antarctic instead. Fuckers. 21. Is your name Bruce? a) No. b) No. c) Yes. 22. And what is your wife's name? a) Not Sheila. b) Not Sheila. c) Sheila. 23. You have an Aborigine visiting your home. How do you make the right impression on him? a) Make him feel at home just as you would any visitor to your house. b) Make an extra special effort to make him feel welcome because you feel for the plight of their people. c) Crack a few tinnies but make sure the cunt drinks out of an old boot because you don't want him spreading germs. Make him some sandwiches full of maggots and grubs because that's what the filthy fuckers eat, and hire a copy of 'Romper Stomper' which you watch with him farting and saying things like: "No offence, mate, but we were here first. That's what you'll get as well if you ever get out of line." 24. Which is greater in number - your shoe size or the amount of brain cells you have? a) Obviously the latter. b) Such a ludicrous question doesn't even deserve an answer. c) Er...hang on a minute, sport, I'll just check the sole of me shoe here...strewth, I didn't think me feet were that bladdy big. 25. You are fiercely in favour of the Royal Family and the Commonwealth. Her Majesty the Queen is paying your country a visit. How do you best think she should be protected? a) She should be afforded all the necessary safety and protection that can be given to her. She is Head of the Commonwealth after all. b) Round-the-clock bodyguards, all of them armed and ready at a moment's notice to spring into action regardless of their own safety. c) It's alright. You'll protect her. You love her, you do. You've even made a bomb that you'd like to show her and to display your affection. Also, you've got a big knife that you borrowed from the asylum's kitchen...yes, you'll look after her. You just want to protect her, nothing else. You fucking fruit loop cunt. ANSWERS: Mainly a: You're not Australian. Mainly b: Neither are you. Mainly c: Well done, sport. You're a fully-fledged Aussie twat. With your piss lager, your shite TV programmes and your hanging rock stars and transvestite superstar house wives, you are a credit to the world in the 21st century. Fuck the fact that you treat the Aboes like filthy vermin wog scum - that doesn't matter. It's God's country where you live. As long as you win a cricket match now and again - and do so by cheating more often than not - you couldn't give a flying squirrel's chuff. Fuck the world's problems, we're having a barbie on the beach. Fucking twats.