Quiz: Are You Australian

Discussion in 'About the Members' started by LeonardSpears, May 29, 2004.

  1. LeonardSpears Banned Banned

    Messages:
    9
    ARE YOU AUSTRALIAN?

    Take the Arthur Thacker quiz and see for yourself.

    1. What did your ancestors do for a living?

    a) They were farmers.
    b) Craftsmen who made a living with their hands.
    c) Robbers, rapists, pickpockets, horse-thieves and generally a right
    lawless shower of bastards.

    2. How do you view the cause of the Aborigines and other indigenous
    folk?

    a) They have a just cause and rights just like everyone else.
    b) They should be given their land rights back immediately.
    c) Fuck 'em. Black bastards. We were here first. It's in all the history
    books cos we wrote 'em and we should know. Cheeky freeloading nigger
    cunts.

    3. A member of the British Royal Family is visiting your country and you
    are the Prime Minister. How do you behave to show them how respectful
    you are?

    a) With all the proper dignity that she deserves in her position as Head
    of the Commonwealth.
    b) With respect, but without being too sycophantic about it. You can
    show respect in lots of different ways.
    c) Slap her on the back at the airport and go: "Har ya doin', Sheila?
    G'day, mate. Dinkum, sport." Fart, burp, scratch your fucking arse and
    behave like a complete twat all through her visit because you couldn't
    give a fuck. Who the fuck is she anyway?

    4. Your national cricket team is beaten by the West Indies, hammered 5-0
    in a test series. How do you show grace in defeat?

    a) By saying how great they must have played to beat you.
    b) By telling the world you are proud to have been beaten by such a
    great side.
    c) Black bastards. Fixed. What can you do when the fucking umpire's a
    spear-chucker as well? Cunts.

    5. Your national cricket team beats the West Indies 5-0 in a test
    series. How do you show grace in victory?

    a) By saying you must have played brilliantly to beat one of the
    greatest sides in the world.
    b) By telling the world you are proud to have won and that it was closer
    than the scores suggest.
    c) Black bastards. Fucking shit they were. Whoever said coons could play
    cricket must have been fucking drunk, mate.

    6. You go to the toilet and sit down. What happens next?

    a) Well, what would you expect?
    b) That's a bit of a personal question.
    c) You get bitten on the arse by a spider three-foot long, your balls
    drop off, your arse turns green and you die within ten seconds.

    7. Describe your bathroom.

    a) A posh en suite affair with brass taps and trimmings, bath, toilet,
    bidet, jacuzzi, the lot.
    b) Just a basic bathroom and matching toilet.
    c) A wooden shack the size of a broom cupboard with a tin mop bucket on
    the fucking floor and flies buzzing round three-week-old turds. You
    dirty smelly twat.

    8. What do you watch on television in an average day?

    a) Varied and of high quality - drama, comedy, documentaries, news.
    b) Pretty basic stuff but a decent and varied mix.
    c) Skippy, Neighbours, Home & Away, Skippy, Bluey, Skippy again,
    Prisoner Cell Block fucking H, Skippy a-fucking-gain, Neighbours, Home &
    bastard Away, Skippy, Skippy, Skippy and fucking Skippy.

    9. Describe your country's version of football.

    a) The same as football around the world.
    b) A different game altogether - more like rugby and with lots of
    razzamatazz and glitz. More of a show business affair than a sport.
    c) A load of fucking animals in vests and tight shorts knocking bastard
    lumps of each other, punching the ref, eating one another's faces and
    generally waging war for an hour and a half while no cunt knows what the
    fuck is going on.

    10. Who is your greatest international star?

    a) A Hollywood screen legend.
    b) A world famous rock star.
    c) Some irritating cunt with a beard and glasses who paints fucking
    stupid pictures, blows his didgeri-fucking-doo and sings "I'm Jake the
    Peg diddle diddle diddle dum." The big soft cunt.

    11. You are a famous rock star married to a beautiful wife and with
    millions of dollars to your name. You are at a loose end one day. What
    do you do to occupy yourself?

    a) Relax with a few tinnies of Fosters, chilling because you rarely get
    much time to yourself.
    b) Play a little music or watch some TV.
    c) Take loads of drugs and get pissed as a fart, then accidentally
    strangle yourself by hanging your sorry arse from a door with a leather
    belt. While having a wank. You dirty fucking pervy cunt.

    12. What is your idea of fashion or looking good?

    a) Designer dressware of the highest quality.
    b) Just wearing the right things for what suits you.
    c) A shitty old hat with bastard corks hanging from it.

    13. What do you do for a living?

    a) Work hard all day, six days a week, to earn money to live in relative
    comfort.
    b) Work quite hard, but you have people under you to take some of the
    work load.
    c) Fuck all. Just sit on your arse on the beach all day eyeing up women
    and drinking piss lager while catching skin cancer. You fucking bone
    idle twat.

    14. Why are there so many flies where you live?

    a) Because the weather is so hot.
    b) You don't know. You've never really noticed.
    c) Because you fucking smell, you sweaty bastard. You even let the dirty
    disease-spreading fuckers fly into your mouth and do nothing about it.
    I've seen you on telly, you filthy shower of cunts.

    15. How did your ancestors arrive in your country?

    a) By boat.
    b) By plane.
    c) In chains.

    16. You are a blonde-haired singer who's probably as bent as a nine-bob
    note, you queer-arsed fuck. But you are outraged when a magazine
    suggests as much. What do you do?

    a) Nothing. Ignore it because you know the truth about your own
    sexuality.
    b) Send the magazine a stern solicitor's letter warning them not to say
    such things again.
    c) Sue the bastards and make a fucking big song and dance about it just
    to show how straight and normal you are. You're not queer. Are you fuck,
    and you'll sue any cunt who says you are. Queer? You? No fucking chance.
    You've shagged Kylie Minogue you have...er...nearly. You're as straight
    as fuck, you are, even though you've appeared in gay porn films and been
    caught shagging blokes. You lying bent bastard.

    17. Your country is a beautiful place and there are many visitors,
    mainly young girls on back-packing holidays. What can they expect from
    your country?

    a) Beautiful scenery, amazing wildlife, wonderful climate. Everything
    really.
    b) Whatever they would want is here for them - to suit all needs.
    c) Some fucking twisted cunt to grab them off the road in his pick-up
    truck and murder them in horrific ways. And wank on their corpses. The
    twat.

    18. What animal is the symbol of your country?

    a) A bald eagle - majestic and towering, powerful and commanding
    respect.
    b) A bulldog - tenacious, fearless, strong and solid.
    c) Some fucking rat with a beak, flippers, a face like a mole and that
    swims underwater. And lays eggs! I mean, for fuck's sake! What the
    cunting hell is that supposed to be? Fucking freak.

    19. You have emigrated to a foreign country and it isn't really to your
    liking. What do you do?

    a) Nothing. There's nothing you can do apart from make the best of the
    situation and hope that it will grow on you.
    b) Try to move back to your own country whilst making the effort to get
    along with the place.
    c) Fucking moan and bastard whinge about how shit it is compared to
    where you come from, even though they booted your arse out of there and
    wouldn't have you back for fuck all. The weather's crap and the beer's
    warm, and there's Pakis every-fucking-where, not like in your country.
    Fuck this. You wouldn't stop here if you didn't have to. You can't go
    for five minutes without spouting off to some cunt about how much you
    hate the place and how great your country is. Yet you have the fucking
    nerve to call us "whingeing poms". You cheeky fucking upside down cunt.
    Go on. Fuck off.

    20. Describe the way you talk, your accent and so forth.

    a) Very clear and precise. You'd say you were able to communicate pretty
    easily.
    b) With a hint of accent though not much. You are pretty good at
    communicating.
    c) Like a deaf cockney with cerebral palsy who's drunk twenty pints of
    Carlsberg Special and a bottle of meths. You incoherent, slavering
    slobbering twat. Imagine Stephen Hawking powered down and crossed with
    Bob Hoskins...well, that's what you sound like. How the Brits ever
    mutated into you shower of braindead, imbecilic cunts is beyond me. We
    should have sent you to the fucking Antarctic instead. Fuckers.

    21. Is your name Bruce?

    a) No.
    b) No.
    c) Yes.

    22. And what is your wife's name?

    a) Not Sheila.
    b) Not Sheila.
    c) Sheila.

    23. You have an Aborigine visiting your home. How do you make the right
    impression on him?

    a) Make him feel at home just as you would any visitor to your house.
    b) Make an extra special effort to make him feel welcome because you
    feel for the plight of their people.
    c) Crack a few tinnies but make sure the cunt drinks out of an old boot
    because you don't want him spreading germs. Make him some sandwiches
    full of maggots and grubs because that's what the filthy fuckers eat,
    and hire a copy of 'Romper Stomper' which you watch with him farting and
    saying things like: "No offence, mate, but we were here first. That's
    what you'll get as well if you ever get out of line."

    24. Which is greater in number - your shoe size or the amount of brain
    cells you have?

    a) Obviously the latter.
    b) Such a ludicrous question doesn't even deserve an answer.
    c) Er...hang on a minute, sport, I'll just check the sole of me shoe
    here...strewth, I didn't think me feet were that bladdy big.

    25. You are fiercely in favour of the Royal Family and the Commonwealth.
    Her Majesty the Queen is paying your country a visit. How do you best
    think she should be protected?

    a) She should be afforded all the necessary safety and protection that
    can be given to her. She is Head of the Commonwealth after all.
    b) Round-the-clock bodyguards, all of them armed and ready at a moment's
    notice to spring into action regardless of their own safety.
    c) It's alright. You'll protect her. You love her, you do. You've even
    made a bomb that you'd like to show her and to display your affection.
    Also, you've got a big knife that you borrowed from the asylum's
    kitchen...yes, you'll look after her. You just want to protect her,
    nothing else. You fucking fruit loop cunt.

    ANSWERS:

    Mainly a: You're not Australian.
    Mainly b: Neither are you.
    Mainly c: Well done, sport. You're a fully-fledged Aussie twat. With
    your piss lager, your shite TV programmes and your hanging rock stars
    and transvestite superstar house wives, you are a credit to the world in
    the 21st century. Fuck the fact that you treat the Aboes like filthy
    vermin wog scum - that doesn't matter. It's God's country where you
    live. As long as you win a cricket match now and again - and do so by
    cheating more often than not - you couldn't give a flying squirrel's
    chuff. Fuck the world's problems, we're having a barbie on the beach.
    Fucking twats.
     
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  3. Bells Staff Member

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    23,035
    Have something against Australians have you? Are you upset that they may have beaten you at cricket or rugby? Possibly something else? And for your information you racist fuckwit, no one refers to them as 'Aboes' or 'Abos'. They are called Australians or Aboriginal or Indigenous Australians. Dickhead.
     
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  5. StarOfEight A Man of Taste and Decency Registered Senior Member

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    A) Romper Stomper is a great movie. Owns American History X it does.

    B) Can't take a joke, Bells?
     
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  7. Bells Staff Member

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    23,035
    Yes I can star. And I'm sure someone will let me know when that particular joke gets funny or even mildly amusing.
     
  8. StarOfEight A Man of Taste and Decency Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    684
    Meh ... imagine Ben Kingsley reading the C) choices, and it's well past amusing.
     
  9. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    5,771
    I only got three out of twenty-five, I'm afraid (the royalty ones and the shoe-size one) so I guess I'm not an Australian. Just a wannabe.
     
  10. airavata portentous Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,352
    Mark Taylor's voice kept coming into my head here.
     
  11. Dreamwalker Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    I think I am no Aussi either, too bad. I should have seen this coming.
     
  12. StarOfEight A Man of Taste and Decency Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    684
    Mark Taylor?
     
  13. alain du hast mich Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,179
    i live in Aus (unfortunately) its a bit of a hole, but you have no clue what your talking about

    i do like aboriginees
    i dont like any of the crap aussie tv shows that are only watched by americans
    i deffinately dont like cricket or AFL
    i have never worn a hat with corks in it

    hows about you come to Australia, and see what we have for yourself.
     
  14. StarOfEight A Man of Taste and Decency Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    684
    Al, Americans don't watch crap Aussie TV shows. We have our own shit.
     
  15. alain du hast mich Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,179
    lol, so all these 'great' shows of ours such as the crocodile hunter are watched by nobody.

    that would be such a shame if it was less amusing
     
  16. Fenris Wolf Banned Banned

    Messages:
    567
    People do refer to them as Abos, Bells. They're also called coons, darkies, nyoongars, and lots of other things. Where do you live, a university?
     
  17. alain du hast mich Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,179
    ive never heard of coons or nyoongars

    Fenris, why do you assume that Abo is meant to cause offence.
    i wouldnt mind someone calling me a lighty, a whitey, an aussie or a pom, because all of these are descriptions of me, not insults
     
  18. Fenris Wolf Banned Banned

    Messages:
    567
    I didn't assume anything of the sort. Bells did. Although it has more to do with what they might consider insulting than what you would. I was called a Gwai Lo on many occasions, sometimes in jest and sometimes in an attempt to be insulting. It depends entirely on the delivery.
    They call themselves Nyoongars as well... it's one of the tribal groups, dominant mostly in the south west of WA. Thus if you're from the east you probably wouldn't have.
    It's offensive only if coming from the mouth of a white man - much the same way as niggers can call themselves niggers but whites can't.
     
  19. alain du hast mich Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,179
    "I didn't assume anything of the sort. Bells did."

    go me, well bells, same question to you then

    so do Aboriginees get offended when you call them nyoongars? (yes, i am from the east)
     
  20. LeonardSpears Banned Banned

    Messages:
    9
    Fucking typical of the Australians, isn't it? They try to blow up the Queen and manage to make a fucking half-arsed job of it. Did you see that? Some bloke waltzes up to security and actually gets past them by saying he's in the SAS. Well, it's fucking obvious. I mean the SAS... well known for pratting about with long blond hair in a T-shirt and surfer shorts. He managed to get past them whilst carrying a bomb and with an eight-inch knife strapped to his leg like Travis fucking Bickle. But they did capture him. And this led the head of security of the Australian police to announce:

    "This proves just how well our security system works."

    Er... no. Not quite. What it proves is that if you want to fool the Australian crack security forces, all you have to do is carry a lunchbox full of TNT, strap a kitchen knife to your leg, dress up like an extra from 'Home & Away' and tell them it's alright cos you're in the SAS. Bob's your uncle... you're in to see the visiting Head of the Commonwealth. I'm gonna try this approach during the trooping of the colour next summer. I'm gonna go along dressed as Coco the Clown, with an AK67 down my underpants and a fucking big black ball with a sparkler in the top and BOMB on the side, and when they ask me what I'm doing, I'll say: "It's alright. I'm with MI5 - Special Assignment Detail." It might fucking work. You never know.
     
  21. alain du hast mich Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,179
    so thats what its about leon

    you hate an entire country cos a few people in it almost get your precious queen killed

    nice...
     
  22. LeonardSpears Banned Banned

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    Nah really, I just like to have you upsidedown yobbos tailwagging around me. Cool.
     
  23. Bells Staff Member

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    Partly

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    and my Indigenous friends and students in my classes have stated on several occasions that they dislike being referred to as 'Abos', 'Coons', etc because on most occasions, the delivery of those statements has been in such a derogatory manner. Some don't have a problem with it. Some give back what they're given. This isn't a matter of political correctness, but mostly a matter of treating another human being like a human being. Just look at the way that joke was delivered. It wasn't amusing to me. If you or others find it amusing then good for you, but it wasn't the case for me. Call it a difference of opinion.

    I mean lets face it, here we have an individual who is upset that some crazed Australian individual apparently tried to blow up his Queen (has anyone heard of this on the news? I know I haven't). Or that one Prime Minister dared to gently touch the Queen's back to guide her towards someone. Give me a break.

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    Contrary to what you may believe Spears, not all Australians are as big a buffoon as you.
     

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