And if it should be wrong, and God will smite me, either now or some time later? I seem to be unable to shake that fear.
I think the best thing for me to say here is that if that is a God, it is not a loving God, it is not God the father, because fathers should not act like that, and I will stand up to that God whatever that means. If I cannot trust my basic gut sense of what love is, well, in the end that is God's fault, he made me. So he will have to live with the consequences of that.
If I cannot trust my gut sense about something so basic, why should I trust some voice in my head that tells me I am evil. YOu see what I mean.
And by the way, I really doubt you will somehow go, Yeah, dat guy is right. And leap out bed and not be bothered by this dilemma.
I'm actually on mandatory rest now from my sports exercises, because I overdid it and my legs hurt badly. For the recent couple of months, I was often overwhelmed by thoughts of God, tensed up a lot, and it affected my exercising, especially the running. Running while psychologically tense is very bad for muscles, joints and bones, at least for me.
Now, I'm not saying that this is God smiting me. But I'm saying that the situation is serious.
It is amazing how much treating ourselves as shit is embedded in so much of what passes for the word of God. (or the Buddha or Vishnu and so on)
I wouldn't say I think it is mine. What I consider as mine is my not having a way to leave agnosticism behind.
And there is a set of thoughts holding that in place and there is terror that makes it seem like survival loss if you stop believing those thoughts. I am not sure what the distinction you are making here. It is almost like saying you don't believe in agnosticism, but it is the island you swam to not to drown. Whatever the case you are left with a set of thoughts about reality and what can be known and what is safe and what is loving and good and so on. I realize it is a mishmosh of various paradigms. You are afraid if you had other thoughts in your head - and god forbid actually felt good about yourself - you would soon find your head on the chopping block. This is the result of conditioning.
My point was primarily that you look at what might end up being your belief and say what if that is just conditioning. Well, you are already conditioned. If you really have no mechanism for knowing what is you and yours you would not be in the predicament you are in. You are in that predicament because your gut tells you that Christianity, at least as it has been around you, is not what you want. It took unraveling of conditioning to get you where you are. Your problem is that you can feel the difference, but you are not sure if this makes you evil. If being yourself is evil.
Who made you Greenberg?
You said the only things you are sure of are around your body?
Why would God have given you a body that you are sure of only to tell you that its urges and emotions are evil?
How did he expect you to make decisions, to decide whether his voice was his voice or Satan's?
With your thoughts?
That's a joke
Thoughts are the most conditioned things. We have had thoughts jammed in our heads from the moment we are born.
And thoughts for an against on any issue look just the same on the page.
We can only make decisions based on how those thoughts feel.