Revenge

...he reached into the fridge to get himself something to drink. Still confused he grabbed the first bottle he could find and without looking or thinking he poured himself a glass. The glass felt cold in his claws and he suddenly became aware of how thirsty he was. He put the glass to his lips. How strange, it felt like the liquid was dripping beside his mouth in stead of in.

"Oh well", he thought and walked back into the kitchen to get himself a straw to suck the liquid up. He just was too thirsty. While sucking at the straw he glared into the shiny reflection of a spoon. How odd he looked. A little dizzy and in a state of dreamy drowsiness he wandered off to the bedroom.

"A little sleep, that's what I need right now", he thought dreamily. He stripped off his clothes to see his legs while ondoing himself from his pants and nearly fainted by the look of them...
 
and nearly fainted by the look of them...

His legs were made up of eight tentacles, braided and twisted together to make a single pair--he was speechless. There was a label tied to one of the legs and he read it, 'PROPERTY OF OCTOPUSSY"S GARDEN', it said. "Ringo Starkey!" He suddenly said as he recalled the episode with the park keeper. There was a flash of light and he found himself back on the yellow grass. Opposite him sat Ringo in the Lotus position, hovering in mid-air about a foot off the ground. "Oy Starkey, what have you done with my legs?" He said.

"And hello to you too!" Said the old hippy drummer coming out of meditation, "Shouldn't it be me asking you that question? Aren't you the one plainly wearing MY legs?"

"Yeah but I didn't ask for them, I don't want them, I want my own legs back!"

"From the look of you, I see you've been to Australia". said Ringo going off track.

"So?"

"I suggest you look for your legs back there, oh and if you don't mind I'd like my octopussy's legs back please!"

"This is outrageous!" Said Adam. A loud whirring noise disturbed him from behind, he turned around and saw the yellow submarine hovering in mid-air, a sign in the cockpit said, 'Australia or bust'. "Ah what the hell, this is only a dream anyway", he thought as he climbed the steps and entered the barnacle encrusted craft.
 
Adam entered the flying submarine.
"If anyone starts singing the damn song I'm jumping" he emoted and sat down next to a cat with a dogs tail.

The whirring pitch grew louder and they flew into the air but before long there was a clanking noise and the rotors flew off. The pilot turned to the assembled group and said
"Well folks, looks like it's bust" He cackled and morphed into a tiny female german doctor before the sub exploded and Adam found himself flying thru the air...
 
"Well folks, looks like it's bust" He cackled and morphed into a tiny female german doctor before the sub exploded and Adam found himself flying thru the air...

How do I get into these perdictiments, thought Adam as he fell through the air. Why can't I lead a normal life like everyone else?
If only November were here, she'd know what to do.

The sky kind of burped. It went all fuzzy, moved in and out like it was breathing. He closed his eyes, knowing that he was soon to hit the end of his ride. The movement stopped while his eyes were closed

He opened his eyes to find he was standing on a fence post. He felt the need to crow, it seemed like a natural impulse. He raised his neck and the most awful sound came out...
 
...like a banshee, crying out in the night. Adam scraped his throat and thought to himself, " It's a good thing my November isn't here at the moment. She would run off in an instant to never come back again!"

Amazingly, someone or something had heard his awful crow. He could see it come closer with a speed, like it was running from hell to paradise. Where did it come from? He was standing on this fence post in the middle of nowhere. He stared at it with that reddish view of his and tried to make out what it was.

Then it occured to him that the thing was not on the ground but floating a little above it. he could see the shadow on the Earth. Some vague memory came back into his mind. It was not the yellow submarine. It was...
 
It was...

Mel Gibson! "Hey mate, I believe these are yours?" He said holding up a pair of legs. "They had a pair of rather fetching Reeboks on the feet, which I borrowed and shit are they fast, d'you mind if I keep them?"

Adam crowed a reply.

"Hell no I'm not here to kill you, that was in a previous scene. So can I keep them?" Said Mel lighting up a cigarette and drawing on it with relish.

Adam crowed again.

"Of course I mean the shoes, what would I need your legs for? Mine are far more muscular!"

Adam crowed something.

"Cheers mate, good on yer! Oh well, better shoot, gotta busy schedule, I'll be seeing ya buddy!" Mel said as he shot off like the wind.

Adam stared at his legs lying on the ground below him and willed them back on his hips, immediately the tentacles fell to the ground and Adam toppled over as he lost his balance and fell to the floor with a thump on something soft!

"NYEOWWWW!" He heard as a flash of ginger wriggled out from underneath him and whizzed away to a safe distance. Adam looked at the cartoon cat and recognized it immediately.

"Fritz the cat!" He said in a clear voice, "What're you doing here?"
 
What the hell...?

What the hell is going on here?

Tentacles? How the hell could I have tentacles?! I don't even like calamari! And I may be a lot of things, some of them odd, but I know I'm not a freakin' crow!

This can't be real. That midget from Fantasy Island was here. I couldn't get within arm's reach of a midget without pushing him over! It's tradition dammit! Can't be real.

And Fritz the friggin Cat?! I know you're not real...
 
Hey pal. You are the one that conceived this thread and then callously abandoned it to the harsh realities of the web. We found it. Tired, hungry, alone... wanting only love. We took it in, nurtured it, watched it grow into a productive (well, kinda) adult thread.

You don't like how we're raising it? See a judge. :D
 
And Fritz the friggin Cat?! I know you're not real...

"Oh yeah? If I weren't real you would have broken your bloody back if I weren't there to break your fall you idiot!" Said Fritz.

"No you're not real, none of this is real, it's just a figment of your imaginations. All I did was post a new thread instead of a reply, there was no need to fuck with my reality. What, are you trying to drive me insane?" Adam complained bitterly.

"Hey, just relax man, let's go see my main pussy and do some dope and we can be like the furry freak brothers!"

"D'you say pussy?"

"Nyeoww!"

"I don't even like calamari."

"Now what are you talking about? I said pussy, not squid, you Aussies are strange. Now are you coming or not?"

Suddenly the idea of seeing a furry freaky pussy seemed very tempting, even if he didn't like eating rubbery fish that looked like onion rings, but he realised that that was probably irrelevant anyway. "You did say pussy yeah?"

"Would I lie to you baby, would I lie to you?"

"Oh what the hell, come on let's go see your pussy then!" Said Adam wondering if eating squid would leave a fishy smell on his lips, but realising that that was probably irrelevant anyway.
 
...So on their way they went. It was a strange sight to see them walk together, side by side. A frigging cat and an odd looking young man.

The air was hot and dry and the road they walked was dusty. Soon Adam became thirsty. "Hey Fritz, what about a drink? Isn't there a bar or so in the neighbourhood?", he asked while wiping the sweat out of his eyes.

Fritz turned to him with a vicious glare in his eyes. "We will be there in a few minutes.", he said grinning. "You'll have anything you want then."

Adam looked around and saw nothing but the desolate, dusty road. The Sun was frying him, so it felt. What could the cat mean, be there in a few minutes. There was nothing in sight, not even trees or other vegetation. Just them, the road and the burning Sun...
 
Just then, the road and the burning Sun...

Disappeared to be replaced by a ham sandwich, a burning bush, a man smoking a fag, no no no, none of those things. They found themselves crammed in the back of a lorry with 50 American illegal immigrants trying to smuggle themselves into the Aboriginal heartland of Oz. "Hey man, what's happening, got any blow?" Fritz said to one of the Americans.

The poor fellow looked cold and hungry and very frightened, "No sir, all I have is some gum. I only got some spearmint, doublemint, Ice mint, sugar free and decaf.. we're very poor sir, very poor." He said.

"That's fugg'n heavy man! I was hopin' for maybe some juicy fruit or bubblegum, my molars go crazy for that shit!" Fritz said with a frown as he licked a stubborn stain off his er, bottom of his tail ahem.

"Hey Fritz, stop licking your fugg'n ass, you're embarassing me!" Said Adam, staring at the roof of the lorry and whistling some nondescript tune nervously. The Americans seemed very nervous of Adam and his cartoon feline friend and tried to cower away from them, which was difficult to do in the cramped space. Fritz swaggered around trying to score gum off everyone, convinced he was in some gum den. Adam tried to make conversation with the bedraggled travellers realising that they weren't really gum runners or gum fiends, but that in their culture they used their gum religiously in all kinds of activities to enable them to reach a state of oneness with the spirit of the particular activity, it seemed more like a spiritual thing rather than a bad habit or addiction. Fritz of course wasn't interested in the spiritual qualities of gum, he just wanted to blow his molars to kindom come. "Excuse me", said Adam, "but why are you people trying to smuggle yourselves into Aboriginal Oz?"

"For a better life of course!" Said one.
"Education!" Said another.
"A better future for our kids."
"There's no gum there!"

Suddenly it all made sense...
 
"Suddenly it all made sense..."

Oh bugger. This always happens. Just when things are starting to make sense, my head goes invisible. Usually I have mirrors to confirm this. No mirrors out here dammit. Hang on... If I turn my eyes around, and keep turning... maybe if I turn them far enough, I could see nmy own invisible head...

What the fudge?! Hamsters in my friggin head...?!!!
 
Dear sweet christ, this thread has come a long way from:

"Xev and Cthulhu, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" :p

IA! Cthulhu fhtagn!
 
Ya got hamsters on the brain, Adam.

*image of hamster pulling grey matter from a well on Adam's head*
 
What the fudge?! Hamsters in my friggin head...?!!!

Suddenly nothing made sense again as he fell face flat on the deck of the truck. "Give him something to drink, he's dehydrated." Said a 5 year old girl standing barefoot in her torn Levis and ragged Tshirt covered in dirt and grime.

Immediately, a man stepped forward and whipped out his..
 
Guitar!

And began to sing, in a drunken, off-key voice:

Hamsters in my brain
Hamsters in my head
Hamsters in my brain
Hamsters in my head
Y'all are mental
You know that?!
 
...The drunk guitar player smiled and two, brown teeth came to the surface. Adam looked at him disgusted. The teeth seemed as big as hamster teeth. "What the hell...", he thought. " A singing Hamster? Playing a guitar too?!"

Confused he wanted to jump out of the lorry. He closed his eyes to just jump and land wherever, if it only was away from this freak show. At once his head was grabbed in an iron grip and his mouth was wriggled open. A liquid started drippling between his lips. Grateful Adam opened his mouth to consume whatever fluid it was. Oh man, was he thirsty from this strange journey.

Something soft and furry touched his left hand. Adam opened his eyes and was horrified to see...
 
<i>"Something soft and furry touched his left hand. Adam opened his eyes and was horrified to see..."</i>

...A giant hampster wearing overalls and a straw hat!

"Adam..." the seven-foot-tall hamster said softly while gently nudging his hand with its paw. It cocked it's head slightly to one side and smiled kindly. "Adam, do you remember me?"

Adam, still frightened, offered a cautious response. "Uh...no," he said with a choked voice.

"It's me, your pet hampster...Willy," the creature replied.

Adam then thought back to his childhood and thought of his pet hamster, the gift which father had brought home from his work, the laboratory. Adam could recall the fluffy little hamster which he kept in a cage on his dresser, the one which managed to escape during the night, having somehow cut through the little steel bars.

Willy studied Adam's face and could see the wheels turning as the past returned. It then looked away for a moment then began to speak again. "Do you remember how often you forgot to clean my cage, Adam?"

Adam opened his mouth to speak, "Uh..." but was quickly interupted by the hamster.

"I do, Adam," Willy said, it's smile now gone. "How about those many times you neglected to fill my water bottle?"

Once again, Adam opened his mouth to speak but was soon interupted by the hamster...
 
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..."Yes, now you are startled, aren't you?", Willy said with growing anger in his hamstry voice. "How a lab-hamster can turn out to be your worst nightmare!"

Adam almost fainted. And thought of the old ACME cartoon., about 2 lab-mice. Pinky and The Brain it was called. "OMFG!", Adam thought. "He looks exactly like that enemy of The Brain!"

Willy now, had begun to make fists and the muscles in his arms/fore-paws? were nearly cracking. Steam came from his nose and he came up to Adam. "A whole, full week, you left me without water, you b*s***d", Willy breezed.

He rose an enormous hamster fist. Adam backed away and twirled on his feet to take a run from the giant hamster. Too late!

He was fetched in his neck and pulled back. Adam felt his feet lifting off the ground. Then another voice sounded, clear as water, so to say. It seemed to sprankle into Adam's mind and a great joy filled him. In wonder he looked up...
 
And God said, "Do not be afraid Adam, it is I, your father, I realised you were lonely and I thought I'd knock you out and make you a nice juicy rib to keep you company, because I love you."

"Huh?" Said Adam.

"Yes that's right, you heard right, a nice juicy rib you can gnaw on anytime you like, not only that but it will also do all the housework as well and will always remind you of things you've forgotten to do, such as replacing the water in your hampster's cage!"

"Too late for that now guy!" Said hampster.

"You sure you got the right Adam?" Said Adam.

"But of course, you are Adam of Eden aren't you?"

"Wrong! Dude."

"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! Are you sure?" God said scratching his halo.

"I think your losing your marbles old geezer!" Said Hampster impatiently, "Look, you're in the wrong place at the wrong time and you're really spoiling my revenge against this idiot who left me to very nearly die from thirst. Why don't you just take your rib and shove it?"

"I beg your pardon? D'you know who I am? I am! That's right. And I didn't get where I am today by shoving ribs, no sirree." Said God getting slightly warm under the collar, which was made of black leather adorned with studs.

As all of this was taking place Adam felt something grab him by the ankles and begin to pull him away from the fracas. He looked to see who it was pulling him and saw Fritz and the 5 year old girl backing away frantically towards the doors of the truck. Meanwhile God and hampster were really having a go at each other.

"Yeah sod off you stupid old funker!" Hampster was shouting.

"This is outrageous, I will create myriad wars, plagues and famines for the likes of you and you dare to talk to me with such insolence? I will flood the plains of the earth and then send you my boy to sort you out you furry bag of shit. And then, and then I'll make hampster food unclean and it will be a sin to feed you, you ungrateful animal, mark my words for I, have spoken!" God shouted back.

"Oh fogoff, you old twerp!" Hampster said as he ran on the spot nervously out of habit.

Fritz opened the doors of the truck and looked at Adam, "Come on man let's split this scene, it's too uncool here, let's go!"

"Are you coming with us?" Adam said to the girl.

"No, I have to stay with my people, they need me!" She said, "But before you go, take this", and she handed him some gum. "If you're ever in trouble, take some, but becareful, it's genuine juicy fruit!"

"Wow!" Said Adam truly humbled, as tears began to well up in his eyes and the girl's pretty features swam in and out of watery focus.

Fritz grabbed him by the arm and got ready to fly, "1, 2, 3, let's goooooo!" He shouted as they both tumbled out of the truck and did cartwheels across the dusty yellow brick road ending up in a corn field.
 
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