The christian Bible...

This has been surprisingly quiet. Let's do the next one.

1 And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters asswaged;


2 The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;


3 And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.


4 And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.


5 And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.


6 And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:


7 And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.


8 Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;


9 But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.


10 And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;


11 And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.


12 And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.


13 And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.


14 And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.


15 And God spake unto Noah, saying,


16 Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee.


17 Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.


18 And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him:


19 Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.


20 And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.


21 And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.


22 While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.

God likes the smell of good cooking, apparently.
 
vs 4 suggests it was pretty good sized, resting on several mountains of the Ararat range. Maybe it is the size of belgium. Luxembourg at least.
 
Noah must have been one of those "date" people. I can't remember a week ago, but he knew just what day it was of what month of what year.
 
swarm-Evil is a relative term. If you believe the story as fact, God viewed the world as evil, and decided to hit reset. Maybe it was just pragmatic.
 
hey, god's an asshole as far as i can tell. i mean, i do believe he has our best interest in mind at all times, but that doesn't involve being nice. he's not nice. take a look around.
 
v. 20 always gets me. How big is a cubit again? 15 cubits to go over mount everest. How many cubits was the Ark? Must have been huge, like the size of a small european country or something.

I thought a cubit was from the tip of your middle finger to your elbow?
 
Festering-That's what I thought, but the wording here makes you wonder. 15 cubits to go over top the mountains.

Lori-God's not an ass hole. He's just as nice and as friendly as... polar icecaps? The sahara desert?
 
hey, god's an asshole as far as i can tell. i mean, i do believe he has our best interest in mind at all times, but that doesn't involve being nice. he's not nice. take a look around.

We can see, clearly, as his followers demonstrate on a regular basis just how much they've learned from their god.
 
1 And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.

Newborns, toddlers, small children, and every good person left on earth who somehow escaped the LORD's vision certainly did not escape his bloody deeds.

For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.

By far and away, one of the most important passages in the bible clearly revealing the vile nature of this murderous despot who is revered and worshiped by millions.

Notice that it also states "every living substance that I have made will I destroy" showing that although god is supposed to be perfect, his creations are flawed, to the point of warranting complete obliteration.

And of course, rather than just simply stopping everyone's heart from beating, he makes them suffer painfully and slowly by drowning them over a period of days, torturing them for his own sadistic pleasure.

6 And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.

Weren't most lifespans around 20-40 years in these times, according to archeology?

9 There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.

See here Hammy, god commanded Noah and he obeyed, regardless of the foul stench of gods deeds. Of course, you would be obeying as well if it meant saving your own hide.

Do the survivors mourn the dead?

14 They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort.

How did they manage to get two of about 10 million species in the world on that ark? However did he make it to Australia and back to pick up the roo's and wala's? Curious...

21 And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:

22 All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.

23 And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.

And to think, this is a regular Sunday School story, usually depicted in cartoon form.

So, are we to now hear from the Christians that this is just a story and we shouldn't take it literally? Why do so many Christians take it literally?
 
God likes the smell of good cooking, apparently

Aromas pleasing this god are mentioned so often in the OT that it's really quite intriguing, (it appears some 20 times in Numbers alone). The most amusing instance is found in Leviticus 26 where this god describes how he will punish people if they don't obey him. He mentions the usual god nastiness of making wild animals kill you and sending plagues upon you until eventually, (after even saying he'll make you cannibalize your own children), he mentions that he will no longer take delight in pleasing aromas.

Conclusion: god is a giant nostril.
 
Lori-God's not an ass hole. He's just as nice and as friendly as... polar icecaps? The sahara desert?


child abuse...cancer. sometimes you gotta be an asshole to teach a lesson.

sin sucks. I GET IT! I GET IT ALREADY!!!!!

can we move on now god? pleeeeeeeeeeeease???????
 
Not in the least. Genocide relates to man's inhumanity to man. It has nothing to say about the Creator and judge of all mankind.

God failed miserably in creating the Garden of Eden he envisioned, and wiped every living thing from the face of the earth to vindicate himself, something not a loving god would do, but certainly what a murderous despot would do.
 
Hitting "reset" on an entire world just because you don't like it is evil!

Not at all, its relative, I do it every time I repeat a cell culture experiment or even finish one. Just put bleach and all the buggers will die. For plates and stuff, autoclave - burn them to death. Done with animal study? Behead the rats and exsanguinate them. Don't feel evil at all. All in a days work.
 
I think we can agree that evil is a relative term. Here's ch 9

1 And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.


2 And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.


3 Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.


4 But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.


5 And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man.


6 Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.


7 And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.


8 And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying,


9 And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you;


10 And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth.


11 And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.


12 And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:


13 I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.


14 And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud:


15 And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.


16 And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.


17 And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.


18 And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.


19 These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread.


20 And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:


21 And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.


22 And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.


23 And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.


24 And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.


25 And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.


26 And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.


27 God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.


28 And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years.


29 And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.
 
So... God says no eating rare steak, and if someone kills you, somone should go and kill them back, and,"Look a rainbow!"

Noah gets wasted and falls asleep naked. One son pokes his head in, and tells his brothers, who do the walk backward with a blanket dance. Noah curses the son that saw him with his junk hanging out. Noah gets really, really old and dies.
 
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