Jokes and Funny Stories
- Thread starter Microzoft
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Kitty Rap
You're furry and cute, it's gonna break my heart
But I don' wanna be smellin' no kitty farts
I tried fresh meat, fish, I don' know what to say
Now I'm takin' you down the SPCA
I showed you to some kids in the neighbourhood
But their mum jus' say no, it didn't do no good
Can't get you outta my life, I can't give you away
I gotta make sure you don' be no stray
Gonna take you down the SPCA
You're furry and cute, it's gonna break my heart
But I don' wanna be smellin' no kitty farts
I tried fresh meat, fish, I don' know what to say
Now I'm takin' you down the SPCA
I showed you to some kids in the neighbourhood
But their mum jus' say no, it didn't do no good
Can't get you outta my life, I can't give you away
I gotta make sure you don' be no stray
Gonna take you down the SPCA
Perhaps you once did? - I saw lady driving a Ferrari with custom license plate that said: WAS HIS
I also saw on back bumper of a big / long distance truck in Brazil (in translation):
"Husband of an ugly woman - I hate weekends."
HALLOWEEN! IS HERE!!!!!
Happy Halloween Y'all
Here is a joke for the occasion.
There is a man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.* His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door!
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops.
Happy Halloween Y'all
Here is a joke for the occasion.
There is a man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.* His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door!
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops.
Surprise 
Don't you just hate following Old Golfers?
Getting Ready For Bed
-------------------------
John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to John and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice,,,,
"Well dear....... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
-------------------------
John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to John and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice,,,,
"Well dear....... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Someone sent this to me. They may be real or they may not be, I really don't know. But I thought they were funny. And so I am sharing it with you.....
Newspaper headlines from around the world.
-------------------------
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking Cookies
* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Newspaper headlines from around the world.
-------------------------
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking Cookies
* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Oops!
Dang Klown never thought of the death do us a part thing like that. Guess you will be stuck with all your Ex's and I will be stuck with a bunch of nagging family members. And past Ex's and my wife. You could make a thread. And ask would you be in hell no matter if you go to heaven or hell. And what's a worse punishment. If you go to heaven and are stuck with individuals you can't stand. Is it a worse hell. Or is going to hell and being with satan and being in total darkness and getting tortured a worse punishment
Kitty Rap (the refrain)
You were abandoned, lost, your life was nearly over
But now we done left you where you're in clover
A nice little cage where you can play
All day, down the SPCA
You were abandoned, lost, your life was nearly over
But now we done left you where you're in clover
A nice little cage where you can play
All day, down the SPCA
so nthe choice would be either go to heaven with all the ex's or be in hell without them....hmmmm tough choice..
-------------------------
Hockey
-------------------------
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old
hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what
cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or
lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a
penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or
call him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that
another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a
fucking dumb asshole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all
that to your mother."
Hockey
-------------------------
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old
hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what
cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or
lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a
penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or
call him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that
another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a
fucking dumb asshole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all
that to your mother."
in the catagory of WTF in packaging labels..
My daughter bought frozen pizza and breadsticks..the breadsticks package said on the front, Ready in 4-5 Minutes....in the instructions on how to cook it, it said, Bake for 6 Minutes...
um least they could have done is say 'Bake for 4-6 Minutes'......
but no..it said '6 Minutes'...
My daughter bought frozen pizza and breadsticks..the breadsticks package said on the front, Ready in 4-5 Minutes....in the instructions on how to cook it, it said, Bake for 6 Minutes...
um least they could have done is say 'Bake for 4-6 Minutes'......
but no..it said '6 Minutes'...
A man was walking into the hospital for a routine
examination the other day. Just as he reached the main
entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital,
keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the
second and noticed that he was obviously dead.
The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor
that he could find, and screamed, "Doctor, Doctor!! A man
just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the
sidewalk!! What should I do?"
The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments,
then suggested, "Spin him around. Make it look like he was
coming in."
examination the other day. Just as he reached the main
entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital,
keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the
second and noticed that he was obviously dead.
The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor
that he could find, and screamed, "Doctor, Doctor!! A man
just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the
sidewalk!! What should I do?"
The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments,
then suggested, "Spin him around. Make it look like he was
coming in."
Getting a Day Off
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front
office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy
house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife
needs me to help with the attic and the garage,
moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies.
"I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could
count on you!"
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front
office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy
house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife
needs me to help with the attic and the garage,
moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies.
"I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could
count on you!"
Getting into heaven
You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they
are way too smart...
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage
sale, and gave all my money to the church, would
I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my
Sunday school class.
"NO!" all the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the
yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would
I get into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to
heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be
dead!"
You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they
are way too smart...
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage
sale, and gave all my money to the church, would
I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my
Sunday school class.
"NO!" all the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the
yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would
I get into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to
heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be
dead!"
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