I don't exactly remember when, time became a blur I fell off the path I was following. I became hostile and insecure within my self, wonder turned to boredom, love turned to hate, joy turned to depression, hope and enlightenment were gone. I failed everybody, trust turned to jelousy as I transformed into a bitter dark individual. I started to inflict fear naturaly on those who loved me, evrything I once was just vanished as I was blinded by selfishness and evil. First to be taken from me was my own understanding of dao, then my partner and child, followed by my proffession, then gradualy friends. I seemed to live outside of times bubble just staying in a state of eerie darkness wile everything past me by. I awoke from this state mentaly finding myself already in the company and relation of a beautiful angel like being. She showed me love I punished her for it, she showed me god I rejected it, She showed me hope I killed it, She showed me compassion I cast it aside, she showed me trust I judged it and threw it away. Then she showed me our twin children who will soon walk the earth given grace. I stopped and realised who i had become.
If I ruin this I am truley not worthy of greatness, I gave myself to god asking him to purge the evil cloud that was inside me, no change was permanent. I gave myself to allah who was the same god with still no answers. I turned to Ch'an Buddhism which taught me nothing, I looked up and asked the universe what is wrong with me, and it just continued to exist without speaking. I saw my own hate for god inside me, I hated that he didn't exist to me. Then I realised after all of my former teachings I had once been taught, by my master and by life itself I still knew nothing of who I was or what existence was. I realise that no teachings could solve my problems as I needed proof of everything, My eyes needed to see to believe, I had no faith in anything I was scared to lose things I had Aquired in this life, mostly people. I needed an answer that was proven.
I was outside sitting on the grass in the sun, I looked around then I looked up and laughed. Thinking to myself that nothing makes sense "how can anything exist there should be complete nothingness, how can god exist to create anything in the first place, everything is too perfect look how everything compliments each other." Whats the meaning of life? then it hit me the answer is the question itself, the meaning of life is life itself. existence is the meaning, I was too busy caught up with the minor details and changing of events that i forgot to look at life in its entire form, now when i look at someting i dont think whats the reason for its existence, I just smile at it and embrace it as part of me.
I did a full circle of searching and ended up in the exact same position i was in years ago as a humble daoist. I found dao, it wasnt hiding mysteriously in riddles, questions and answers. I was dao all along. without thinking i understood, without searching i found, without doing i done it.
now i can go back to being an asshole and making fun of everything, because life is a joke and i find it funny again.
peace.
If I ruin this I am truley not worthy of greatness, I gave myself to god asking him to purge the evil cloud that was inside me, no change was permanent. I gave myself to allah who was the same god with still no answers. I turned to Ch'an Buddhism which taught me nothing, I looked up and asked the universe what is wrong with me, and it just continued to exist without speaking. I saw my own hate for god inside me, I hated that he didn't exist to me. Then I realised after all of my former teachings I had once been taught, by my master and by life itself I still knew nothing of who I was or what existence was. I realise that no teachings could solve my problems as I needed proof of everything, My eyes needed to see to believe, I had no faith in anything I was scared to lose things I had Aquired in this life, mostly people. I needed an answer that was proven.
I was outside sitting on the grass in the sun, I looked around then I looked up and laughed. Thinking to myself that nothing makes sense "how can anything exist there should be complete nothingness, how can god exist to create anything in the first place, everything is too perfect look how everything compliments each other." Whats the meaning of life? then it hit me the answer is the question itself, the meaning of life is life itself. existence is the meaning, I was too busy caught up with the minor details and changing of events that i forgot to look at life in its entire form, now when i look at someting i dont think whats the reason for its existence, I just smile at it and embrace it as part of me.
I did a full circle of searching and ended up in the exact same position i was in years ago as a humble daoist. I found dao, it wasnt hiding mysteriously in riddles, questions and answers. I was dao all along. without thinking i understood, without searching i found, without doing i done it.
now i can go back to being an asshole and making fun of everything, because life is a joke and i find it funny again.
peace.
Im fine now, I jut have a few minor personality problems as a result of my wierd little mental state that I went through, I have a few trust issues left to sort out thats all. but as far as I can tell im doing pretty good with that so far.
