it is actually considered a very bad thing in poetry to add non-meaningful lines just to get the rhymes right. better no rhyming, but clear subject.
graveyard - the visit - - - - - - - - - - - one of the headstones looks familiar enough it looks like the one i had, plastic flowers and all maybe my life had been tough but nothing compared to my death, last fall how can a living person be colder than dead? why my rage burns like a thousand suns? since my death, i haven't been myself i'll just replace those flowers with real ones. ------------------------------------------------ as i'm looking the half-eaten apple, somewhat rotten i ponder my life forgotten suddenly i notice a worm in there life can be rotten, but i think i care. (i really need some sleep now... Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! )
yes.... but that "to avoid....." poem was BAD poetry. i think it's only good thing in poetry like that. better to add meaningless rhyming lines, than empty line... Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
wrote this today. at 5am. say your critique [the very same place] Three roses on the rock- two for the blood, one for the peace.* And at the very place you were shot and bled to death, I stay and ask my reason- why? You saved my life, and I remember your smile- you had come in time- I remember when recall those times. And the next time I hear about you, my friend, they've found you dead by the canal, bloody and pale. I paid my share, but you lost your life. There is no god, there's only blood. *our flag is-> dark red-white-dark red
Thank you for reactivating this thread! It's nice, but it's hard to get what you are saying with so many androgenous phrases. This one is quite good. Especially the play with the flag- however, you may want to add something in the beginning actually hinting at where you're at- that will give people something to look up (which is always good in a poem) but it won't confuse them. Maybe you should combine these into one strophe- it feels very disconnected. I also thknk the 2nd line here is a bit cliche.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Take out out the 2nd remember, since it's a bit redundant with the 'recall' right there. Also, I don't think hyphens should be used here. You saved my life and I remember your smile. You came in time, and I recall those times. This is exactly what you want. Perfect.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Maybe you should combine these too? I think these really need to be in the same strophe. In all, this could have a really nice flow if it was just tightened up a little more. I'm getting that the mesaage is someone shot dead by nationalism, but you could do more to bring that out. Without an actual reference to a nation, the natioanlism is lost on me and might as well just be about death. Thanks for the read. -Jono Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Serial Mom Here's one of mine- Serial Mom The sky is the flowering sugar from a cosmic scratch, bruised blue and mighty. Her thighs find a warm wanting, straining the milk of magnesia through a spiny colander. Skin trays, served hot and venting drawn out from her chuckling stove potbelly, blast furnace, melting iron. She grabs a clump of disorderly crepes, hands slipping off the western belly just south of her bosom, dislodging her plump vengeance to choke, draw closed, and kill. As she piles on the slackened red meat, She drowns in the small dew of distilled malt whiskey laced with last morning’s waste-water. Into her nighties: she puts a single thread through the negligent shell of a greedy ship. She has a new boat in her stomach, the latest arrival. Through the paraffin gates, welcomed into the seedy underbelly of the old, grizzled pig, lies the mouth of this masochistic intake valve, yawning with the glazed horror, that she might just throw it all up.
Thank you very much for your assistance. You were right about that cliche. It is the hardest for me- know what are the cliches in english. how is it now? while you read, I'll look more eeply through your masterpiece. But I don't think I could help you much, english isn't my native tongue. oh and your poem is not bad at allPlease Register or Log in to view the hidden image! maybe you should try www.everypoet.com/pffa.htm choose the poetry free for all forum. (if you are one of the mods there already- sorry Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! ) Many poets are learing there and have quite a good critique from experienced poets. I'm not hanging out there often , because I have little time for poetry. Twelve years have passed, from that cold January in Riga. You saw your breath , and bullets in the air. We all stood in a chain of song for freedom, and saw the back berrets approach our barricades. Three strategic buildings remained, our future was locked in them. Twelve years- and people forget, though to me, we fought only yesterday. Three roses on the rock-* two for the blood, one for the peace. And at the very place you were shot and bled to death, The pool of blood still is filling through my mind. You saved my life, and I remember your smile- you came in time- and I recall those times. And the next time I hear about you, my friend, they've found you dead by the canal, bloody and pale. I paid my share, but you lost your life. There is no god, there's only blood.
I'm completely patheic compared to you people! And this is certainly NOT my best poetry. I don't feel like finding my other stuff. So I'm just gonna post this. Until Death Do We Part He didn’t care when he stepped out coatless that cold winter night. Nothing was real to him, nothing was right. He hid the pistol under his shirt, mumbling wicked words foul-mouthed and curt. But she was the one who left him at the door. “Til’ death do you part,” was the vow that she swore. But, no, she said I don’t love you no more. Can’t be with you, can’t stand you no more! So he made a pack with the devil that night, and swore to his gun, “She’ll pay with her life.” So he smiled insanely at her blood on his hands. He laughed at the cops and happily said, “If I can’t have her, then nobody can.”
ODE TO SPOT! ODE TO SPOT Felis Catus, is your taxonomic nomenclature: An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses Contribute to your hunting skills, and natural defenses. I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, A singular development of cat communications That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection For a rhythmic stroking of your fur, to demonstrate affection. A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents. You would not be so agile, if you lacked its counterbalance. And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. Oh, spot, the complex levels of behavior you display Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array; And though you are not sentient , Spot, and do not comprehend I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. While I didn't write this, maybe you can guess where its from.
pixi, pixi, where is my sis? there's noone here, but just me. but that's ok, I'm used to it; extasy and passion, through trance and winamp. hologhaphic interaction, of enigmatic music, making simulated environment, in my own brain. my world - I wish it was real- mythical forest in another reality, of our memories long forgotten, and dreams of tomorrow. I could die just from the need, to experience that reality, my passion and lonnging burns me to decease, oh pixi, how do I get in there?! (was bored and not even my sis was on the messenger, spontaniously written)
"S-U-C-C-E-S-S That's the way you spell success!" Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! All right all right Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! "There once was a man from Nantucket...Oh, I can't tell that one here!" lol! Ok, enough bad poems! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Aight, here's the world's crappiest poem. I can't believe it won second place, it's so boring Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! The beach at sunset - %BlueSoulRobot% Seashells sparkling with ebbing tide scattered all along the coast. Faint footprints visible as they wash away with the ocean, cleansing the beach of any distractions. Lavender, crimson, passion-colored sky blaze up overhead, in a fervent and fierce statement. Soft pure sands stretch beyond the eye’s view, going on into infinity. Golden waves lap at the shore, preening the quiet slopes with a curious delicacy. Smooth black pebbles dot here and there, glinting under the brilliant heavens, like the ebony shimmer of slick seals. Rich dark emerald strands of sea-stained kelp lie in a silvery wake. A simple child, bucket and pail ready by hand, marvels in the calm beauty Of the beach at sunset. (Here's one that I like better!) <center>Take a Step, Fall a Mile - %BlueSoulRobot% Steps up the crooked ladder End of the infinite rope Lives left to crumble Decadence resembling the stone face of the Weeping angel Tragic poets lament of lost souls Wandering through twisted jungles Caught in a magnificent rage of violent indigo Blinding obscurity Fear gnawing relentlessly Dissolving the spine of intuition Only to be replaced with the heart of indecision Bewildered and vulnerable, helpless Raucous laughter rains and drenches the grievous slaves Masters of loneliness and deceit Intervention without cause Adrift in a sea of tears Chaotic nightmares wreak havoc on the shattered mind Stumbling, overlooked, and forgotten Belief, salvation, repentance: A fiction of the savage conscience; Corruption, failure, lies: Chicken soup for the damned.</center>
this is not mine , but oooooooooh soo BEAUTIFUL by Inkubus Sukkubus Your heart burns for love My soul burns for blood I’ll take you, I’ll break you I’ll crush you, I’ll break you If you want me, I’ll need you I’ll kill you, feed from you I’ll take you down that road That leads to destruction Come and take a walk with me Where the angels fear to tread Kiss the flame, feel the pain In the furnace of our love I can’t feed my hunger Your youth makes me younger I’ll hurt you, desert you Turn your dreams to nightmares I’ll cheat you, I’ll eat you I’ll maim you, I’ll drain you Come to me, come to me To the dark side where love sleeps I’ll hurt you, you’ll love me I’ll scratch you, I’ll cut you You’ll kiss me, then miss me I’ll laugh at your torment I’ll have you, and own you Be hard and cold to you I’ll be your dark angel I’ll be your worst nightmare
Jesus christ, that's fucking beautiful, Avatar. Okay, here's a haiku: Ephemeral fireflies Imitate ancient stars Who lasts longer?
Silver Pearls, Silver Rain The moon quietly weeps and melts the melancholy sky Its tears dance across the night I raise my head, flex my wings, smile with my beak Soar off once more into the warm, black robes of veiled oblivion I take the moon into my embrace And suckle it with my sorrow The crystal castle of my heart With a last scented melody, given by a goddess Shatters, planting broken glass Through the night of my being I feel the glass Burning bright and cold They form radiant constellations adorning my soul It will be more beautiful With such hard won jewels But I weep with their weight The unbearably sweet pain of birth sears my heart It whispers to me The birth of morning The sky sheds blood Grows dark, becomes dead It grows brighter, giving birth to morning My soul will live anew Singing with the flocks of stars Swimming above the constellations Of silver pearls, silver rain.
another nice one....I just love their lyrics [Inkubus Sukkubus "Nymphomania"] Eyes of Love and Eyes of Fire Hearts of Lust and Desire Dancing, jumping, laughing, raving Driven by a sexual craving Here they come with love and flowers With their songs and their dark powers Bodies naked, hot and writhing Belladonna wine embibing Here they come datura dreaming Out their minds in madness screaming Wild spirits from the dreamworld Nature spirits from the dreamworld With the Nymphs you are free In the fire of ecstasy In a dream of sexual love In Hell below and Heaven above Boy meets nymph the sacred story Told again for all it's glory She's so wild, he can't tame her Sex and drugs, who can blame her He's the fingers, she's the matches She's the fire, he'll be the ashes He is hers for the taking Love is hers for the faking Forget the future come and kiss On the Poison Lips of Bliss Let them sing you to your death Let them sing you to your death ======================== Author: Inkubus Sukkubus Song: Away With The Faeries Added by: Webmaster Date: 2002-01-18 21:28:32 Come and lay down in the meadow Rest your head amongst the flowers Come and sip the sacred poison Fly away on the wings of madness And they were once known as angels from the sky and heaven But now they are known as devils, demons, alien monsters Chariot of psilocybe Take me up to ride the lightning Can you hear their feet a’dancing Can you hear their voices singing? And they were once known as angels from the sky and heaven But now they are known as devils, demons, alien monsters Let them fill your dreams with wonder, fever, pain and passion Let them fill your head with thunder On a toadstool painted scarlet Sits a queen, a faery harlot She will lead if you will follow Down the road that leads to sorrow From the Dreamworld she is calling Come to me, come running, falling Come and sip the sacred poison Come and sip my sacred poison ========================= this is for all you- christianity "admirers" Inkubus Sukkubus "Church Of Madness" Here come the Christian knights Dressed in red and white To bring the Holy Word and set the world alight Here comes a plague of idiots blinded by their faith Here comes the Inquisition to burn you at the stake Here comes the Church of Madness Bearing gifts of death and torture Here comes the Church of Madness Of Jesus Christ their Lord The fire and the fury To be our judge to be our jury Here comes the Church of Madness Of Jesus Christ their Lord A new dark age descending, it’s Torquemada’s dream Liberty lies raped, crushed, broken Neath the Christian war machine Nation after nation falling In the shadow of the Christian sword With death they bring the lore of love What do they tell the people of their old crusades? Of the women and the children Impaled on Christian blades Rejoice they say for we are saved And we must sing the fight Sing it till your lungs burst or they’ll set you alight!
Avatar, the poem 'that is not yours' is way too mushy to be a nice peom. Really beautiful ones are hard to come by. And atheist though I am, "a group of idiots blinded by their faith" is not an appropriate poetic image. Just my humble opinion. The one I posted I wrote myself, I doubt if I can get anything like it up again. I will delete this post as soon as you get the point.
Another one, by me: Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Bottle Shards I smile. So faint, so sweet Like the soft breath of a baby; I scream. So heart breaking It is covered by my wails. So alarming. They are covered by my inner torment; So intense It is lost in the suffocating tunnels of my mind: I’m lost. I smash into the choking walls Surrounding me, the heavy slams are covered. By my smile.
What to say- one giant cliche. This is abstract, trite, and pretentious, along with the fact that the subject matter is a basic no-no in any poetry- the whole 'look at me! I feel bad! I'm alone! I'm lost!' complex. Think- in L4- you use the word 'heartbreaking' then 'covered by my wails'. Whatever connection you trying to make there was killed by the fact that being heartbreaking carries no extra precedent that it mst be covered by wails, or even that it usually isn't. You merely put heartbreaking in there because it was the easiest word choice. But a poem is art, not a diary entry. You have the format and the drive- but not the courage- to make some great poems. This: -is closer to that kind of poetry. Now here's my latest- my account got frozen at PFFA due to inactivity, and I'm too lazy to get a new one for now at least..... The Cedars of I-95 Innocent hopes follow the dusty track on the worn ground, to appease the soft, interminable twang of a dying harp’s echo. Immaculate cedars, pruned, And naked; starved writhe at the glaring of the glint. From one lone boy’s confidant gait, foot rises above foot, nation above self. The soft call of the doves perched pleasantly above our strangled peaches, growing on our strangled trees. Snarling the leaves from aside our thruways. Wavering on the edge, the call of dying acres comes mutely to his numbed ears. He walks with the immensity and sacrifice of the misled wraith; a presence of the Roman Army stretching from the Appian Way to the intersection of Cedar Ave. to Main. Along this shaven, tarmac victory lies a painful, beautiful defeat- a wry unfolding smile that keeps its Cheshire Cat composure as it is splintered and bound. Rupturing the punctured airbag of a speeding soul, carelessly shifted into a careful, domestic neutral, he walks on until Nero’s electric fiddle is barraged into every fiber of his waking catonia. Up bow, down bow- a strike at the destiny of a meaningless hell. So, a flicker of chilled fire registers quickly-lost to the screaming harpies pulsating on their latest kill. Steely ambrosia pumped Through their taut, muscled veins: Power out of practice. March on, neighbor, march on. Chronilize! -Jon
oh cool, you brought this thread back..i could never finnd it for awhile soi stoped posting .. but hey let me go find a poem be back.....
