Poetry Arena
- Thread starter Congrats
- Start date
graveyard - the visit
- - - - - - - - - - -
one of the headstones looks familiar enough
it looks like the one i had, plastic flowers and all
maybe my life had been tough
but nothing compared to my death, last fall
how can a living person be colder than dead?
why my rage burns like a thousand suns?
since my death, i haven't been myself
i'll just replace those flowers with real ones.
------------------------------------------------
as i'm looking the half-eaten apple, somewhat rotten
i ponder my life forgotten
suddenly i notice a worm in there
life can be rotten, but i think i care.
(i really need some sleep now...
)
- - - - - - - - - - -
one of the headstones looks familiar enough
it looks like the one i had, plastic flowers and all
maybe my life had been tough
but nothing compared to my death, last fall
how can a living person be colder than dead?
why my rage burns like a thousand suns?
since my death, i haven't been myself
i'll just replace those flowers with real ones.
------------------------------------------------
as i'm looking the half-eaten apple, somewhat rotten
i ponder my life forgotten
suddenly i notice a worm in there
life can be rotten, but i think i care.
(i really need some sleep now...
)wrote this today. at 5am. say your critique
[the very same place]
Three roses on the rock-
two for the blood, one for the peace.*
And at the very place you were shot and bled to death,
I stay and ask my reason- why?
You saved my life,
and I remember your smile-
you had come in time-
I remember when recall those times.
And the next time I hear
about you, my friend,
they've found you dead
by the canal, bloody and pale.
I paid my share,
but you lost your life.
There is no god,
there's only blood.
*our flag is-> dark red-white-dark red
[the very same place]
Three roses on the rock-
two for the blood, one for the peace.*
And at the very place you were shot and bled to death,
I stay and ask my reason- why?
You saved my life,
and I remember your smile-
you had come in time-
I remember when recall those times.
And the next time I hear
about you, my friend,
they've found you dead
by the canal, bloody and pale.
I paid my share,
but you lost your life.
There is no god,
there's only blood.
*our flag is-> dark red-white-dark red
Last edited:
Thank you for reactivating this thread!
It's nice, but it's hard to get what you are saying with so many androgenous phrases.
This one is quite good. Especially the play with the flag- however, you may want to add something in the beginning actually hinting at where you're at- that will give people something to look up (which is always good in a poem) but it won't confuse them.
Maybe you should combine these into one strophe- it feels very disconnected. I also thknk the 2nd line here is a bit cliche.
Take out out the 2nd remember, since it's a bit redundant with the 'recall' right there. Also, I don't think hyphens should be used here.
You saved my life
and I remember your smile.
You came in time,
and I recall those times.
This is exactly what you want. Perfect.
Maybe you should combine these too? I think these really need to be in the same strophe.
In all, this could have a really nice flow if it was just tightened up a little more. I'm getting that the mesaage is someone shot dead by nationalism, but you could do more to bring that out. Without an actual reference to a nation, the natioanlism is lost on me and might as well just be about death.
Thanks for the read.
-Jono
It's nice, but it's hard to get what you are saying with so many androgenous phrases.
This one is quite good. Especially the play with the flag- however, you may want to add something in the beginning actually hinting at where you're at- that will give people something to look up (which is always good in a poem) but it won't confuse them.
Maybe you should combine these into one strophe- it feels very disconnected. I also thknk the 2nd line here is a bit cliche.
Take out out the 2nd remember, since it's a bit redundant with the 'recall' right there. Also, I don't think hyphens should be used here.
You saved my life
and I remember your smile.
You came in time,
and I recall those times.
This is exactly what you want. Perfect.
Maybe you should combine these too? I think these really need to be in the same strophe.
In all, this could have a really nice flow if it was just tightened up a little more. I'm getting that the mesaage is someone shot dead by nationalism, but you could do more to bring that out. Without an actual reference to a nation, the natioanlism is lost on me and might as well just be about death.
Thanks for the read.
-Jono
Serial Mom
Here's one of mine-
Serial Mom
The sky is the flowering
sugar from a cosmic scratch,
bruised blue and mighty.
Her thighs find a warm wanting,
straining the milk of magnesia
through a spiny colander.
Skin trays, served hot and venting
drawn out from her chuckling stove
potbelly, blast furnace, melting iron.
She grabs a clump of disorderly crepes,
hands slipping off the western belly
just south of her bosom,
dislodging her plump vengeance
to choke, draw closed, and kill.
As she piles on the slackened red meat,
She drowns in the small dew
of distilled malt whiskey
laced with last morning’s waste-water.
Into her nighties: she puts a single thread
through the negligent shell of a greedy ship.
She has a new boat in
her stomach, the latest arrival.
Through the paraffin gates,
welcomed into the seedy underbelly of
the old, grizzled pig,
lies the mouth of this
masochistic intake valve,
yawning with the glazed horror,
that she might just throw it all up.
Here's one of mine-
Serial Mom
The sky is the flowering
sugar from a cosmic scratch,
bruised blue and mighty.
Her thighs find a warm wanting,
straining the milk of magnesia
through a spiny colander.
Skin trays, served hot and venting
drawn out from her chuckling stove
potbelly, blast furnace, melting iron.
She grabs a clump of disorderly crepes,
hands slipping off the western belly
just south of her bosom,
dislodging her plump vengeance
to choke, draw closed, and kill.
As she piles on the slackened red meat,
She drowns in the small dew
of distilled malt whiskey
laced with last morning’s waste-water.
Into her nighties: she puts a single thread
through the negligent shell of a greedy ship.
She has a new boat in
her stomach, the latest arrival.
Through the paraffin gates,
welcomed into the seedy underbelly of
the old, grizzled pig,
lies the mouth of this
masochistic intake valve,
yawning with the glazed horror,
that she might just throw it all up.
Thank you very much for your assistance.
You were right about that cliche.
It is the hardest for me- know what are the cliches in english.
how is it now?
while you read, I'll look more eeply through your masterpiece. But I don't think I could help you much, english isn't my native tongue.
oh and your poem is not bad at all
maybe you should try
www.everypoet.com/pffa.htm
choose the poetry free for all forum. (if you are one of the mods there already- sorry ) Many poets are learing there and have quite a good critique from experienced poets. I'm not hanging out there often , because I have little time for poetry.
Twelve years have passed,
from that cold January in Riga.
You saw your breath ,
and bullets in the air.
We all stood in a chain of song for freedom,
and saw the back berrets approach our barricades.
Three strategic buildings remained,
our future was locked in them.
Twelve years-
and people forget,
though to me,
we fought only yesterday.
Three roses on the rock-*
two for the blood, one for the peace.
And at the very place you were shot and bled to death,
The pool of blood still is filling through my mind.
You saved my life,
and I remember your smile-
you came in time-
and I recall those times.
And the next time I hear
about you, my friend,
they've found you dead
by the canal, bloody and pale.
I paid my share,
but you lost your life.
There is no god,
there's only blood.
You were right about that cliche.
It is the hardest for me- know what are the cliches in english.
how is it now?
while you read, I'll look more eeply through your masterpiece. But I don't think I could help you much, english isn't my native tongue.
oh and your poem is not bad at all
maybe you should try
www.everypoet.com/pffa.htm
choose the poetry free for all forum. (if you are one of the mods there already- sorry
) Many poets are learing there and have quite a good critique from experienced poets. I'm not hanging out there often , because I have little time for poetry.Twelve years have passed,
from that cold January in Riga.
You saw your breath ,
and bullets in the air.
We all stood in a chain of song for freedom,
and saw the back berrets approach our barricades.
Three strategic buildings remained,
our future was locked in them.
Twelve years-
and people forget,
though to me,
we fought only yesterday.
Three roses on the rock-*
two for the blood, one for the peace.
And at the very place you were shot and bled to death,
The pool of blood still is filling through my mind.
You saved my life,
and I remember your smile-
you came in time-
and I recall those times.
And the next time I hear
about you, my friend,
they've found you dead
by the canal, bloody and pale.
I paid my share,
but you lost your life.
There is no god,
there's only blood.
Last edited:
Dragon Stone
Registered Senior Member
I'm completely patheic compared to you people! And this is certainly NOT my best poetry. I don't feel like finding my other stuff. So I'm just gonna post this.
Until Death Do We Part
He didn’t care when he stepped out coatless that cold winter night.
Nothing was real to him, nothing was right.
He hid the pistol under his shirt,
mumbling wicked words foul-mouthed and curt.
But she was the one who left him at the door.
“Til’ death do you part,” was the vow that she swore.
But, no, she said I don’t love you no more.
Can’t be with you, can’t stand you no more!
So he made a pack with the devil that night,
and swore to his gun, “She’ll pay with her life.”
So he smiled insanely at her blood on his hands.
He laughed at the cops and happily said, “If I can’t have her, then nobody can.”
Until Death Do We Part
He didn’t care when he stepped out coatless that cold winter night.
Nothing was real to him, nothing was right.
He hid the pistol under his shirt,
mumbling wicked words foul-mouthed and curt.
But she was the one who left him at the door.
“Til’ death do you part,” was the vow that she swore.
But, no, she said I don’t love you no more.
Can’t be with you, can’t stand you no more!
So he made a pack with the devil that night,
and swore to his gun, “She’ll pay with her life.”
So he smiled insanely at her blood on his hands.
He laughed at the cops and happily said, “If I can’t have her, then nobody can.”
ODE TO SPOT!
ODE TO SPOT
Felis Catus, is your taxonomic nomenclature:
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills, and natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur, to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents.
You would not be so agile, if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
Oh, spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array;
And though you are not sentient , Spot, and do not comprehend
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
While I didn't write this, maybe you can guess where its from.
ODE TO SPOT
Felis Catus, is your taxonomic nomenclature:
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills, and natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur, to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents.
You would not be so agile, if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
Oh, spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array;
And though you are not sentient , Spot, and do not comprehend
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
While I didn't write this, maybe you can guess where its from.
pixi, pixi,
where is my sis?
there's noone here,
but just me.
but that's ok,
I'm used to it;
extasy and passion,
through trance and winamp.
hologhaphic interaction,
of enigmatic music,
making simulated environment,
in my own brain.
my world - I wish it was real-
mythical forest in another reality,
of our memories long forgotten,
and dreams of tomorrow.
I could die just from the need,
to experience that reality,
my passion and lonnging burns me to decease,
oh pixi, how do I get in there?!
(was bored and not even my sis was on the messenger,
spontaniously written)
where is my sis?
there's noone here,
but just me.
but that's ok,
I'm used to it;
extasy and passion,
through trance and winamp.
hologhaphic interaction,
of enigmatic music,
making simulated environment,
in my own brain.
my world - I wish it was real-
mythical forest in another reality,
of our memories long forgotten,
and dreams of tomorrow.
I could die just from the need,
to experience that reality,
my passion and lonnging burns me to decease,
oh pixi, how do I get in there?!
(was bored and not even my sis was on the messenger,
spontaniously written)
"S-U-C-C-E-S-S
That's the way you spell success!"
All right all right
"There once was a man from Nantucket...Oh, I can't tell that one here!"
lol! Ok, enough bad poems!
Aight, here's the world's crappiest poem. I can't believe it won second place, it's so boring
The beach at sunset
- %BlueSoulRobot%
Seashells sparkling with ebbing tide
scattered all along the coast.
Faint footprints visible as they wash away
with the ocean, cleansing the beach of
any distractions.
Lavender, crimson, passion-colored sky
blaze up overhead, in a fervent and fierce statement.
Soft pure sands stretch
beyond the eye’s view,
going on into infinity.
Golden waves lap at the shore, preening
the quiet slopes with a curious delicacy.
Smooth black pebbles dot here
and there,
glinting under the brilliant heavens,
like the ebony shimmer of slick seals.
Rich dark emerald strands of sea-stained kelp
lie in a silvery wake.
A simple child,
bucket and pail ready by hand,
marvels in the calm beauty
Of the beach at sunset.
(Here's one that I like better!)
<center>Take a Step, Fall a Mile
- %BlueSoulRobot%
Steps up the crooked ladder
End of the infinite rope
Lives left to crumble
Decadence resembling the stone face of the
Weeping angel
Tragic poets lament of lost souls
Wandering through twisted jungles
Caught in a magnificent rage of violent indigo
Blinding obscurity
Fear gnawing relentlessly
Dissolving the spine of intuition
Only to be replaced with the heart of indecision
Bewildered and vulnerable, helpless
Raucous laughter rains and drenches the grievous slaves
Masters of loneliness and deceit
Intervention without cause
Adrift in a sea of tears
Chaotic nightmares wreak havoc on the shattered mind
Stumbling, overlooked, and forgotten
Belief, salvation, repentance:
A fiction of the savage conscience;
Corruption, failure, lies:
Chicken soup for the damned.</center>
That's the way you spell success!"
All right all right "There once was a man from Nantucket...Oh, I can't tell that one here!"
lol! Ok, enough bad poems!
Aight, here's the world's crappiest poem. I can't believe it won second place, it's so boring
The beach at sunset
- %BlueSoulRobot%
Seashells sparkling with ebbing tide
scattered all along the coast.
Faint footprints visible as they wash away
with the ocean, cleansing the beach of
any distractions.
Lavender, crimson, passion-colored sky
blaze up overhead, in a fervent and fierce statement.
Soft pure sands stretch
beyond the eye’s view,
going on into infinity.
Golden waves lap at the shore, preening
the quiet slopes with a curious delicacy.
Smooth black pebbles dot here
and there,
glinting under the brilliant heavens,
like the ebony shimmer of slick seals.
Rich dark emerald strands of sea-stained kelp
lie in a silvery wake.
A simple child,
bucket and pail ready by hand,
marvels in the calm beauty
Of the beach at sunset.
(Here's one that I like better!)
<center>Take a Step, Fall a Mile
- %BlueSoulRobot%
Steps up the crooked ladder
End of the infinite rope
Lives left to crumble
Decadence resembling the stone face of the
Weeping angel
Tragic poets lament of lost souls
Wandering through twisted jungles
Caught in a magnificent rage of violent indigo
Blinding obscurity
Fear gnawing relentlessly
Dissolving the spine of intuition
Only to be replaced with the heart of indecision
Bewildered and vulnerable, helpless
Raucous laughter rains and drenches the grievous slaves
Masters of loneliness and deceit
Intervention without cause
Adrift in a sea of tears
Chaotic nightmares wreak havoc on the shattered mind
Stumbling, overlooked, and forgotten
Belief, salvation, repentance:
A fiction of the savage conscience;
Corruption, failure, lies:
Chicken soup for the damned.</center>
this is not mine , but oooooooooh soo BEAUTIFUL
by Inkubus Sukkubus
Your heart burns for love
My soul burns for blood
I’ll take you, I’ll break you
I’ll crush you, I’ll break you
If you want me, I’ll need you
I’ll kill you, feed from you
I’ll take you down that road
That leads to destruction
Come and take a walk with me
Where the angels fear to tread
Kiss the flame, feel the pain
In the furnace of our love
I can’t feed my hunger
Your youth makes me younger
I’ll hurt you, desert you
Turn your dreams to nightmares
I’ll cheat you, I’ll eat you
I’ll maim you, I’ll drain you
Come to me, come to me
To the dark side where love sleeps
I’ll hurt you, you’ll love me
I’ll scratch you, I’ll cut you
You’ll kiss me, then miss me
I’ll laugh at your torment
I’ll have you, and own you
Be hard and cold to you
I’ll be your dark angel
I’ll be your worst nightmare
by Inkubus Sukkubus
Your heart burns for love
My soul burns for blood
I’ll take you, I’ll break you
I’ll crush you, I’ll break you
If you want me, I’ll need you
I’ll kill you, feed from you
I’ll take you down that road
That leads to destruction
Come and take a walk with me
Where the angels fear to tread
Kiss the flame, feel the pain
In the furnace of our love
I can’t feed my hunger
Your youth makes me younger
I’ll hurt you, desert you
Turn your dreams to nightmares
I’ll cheat you, I’ll eat you
I’ll maim you, I’ll drain you
Come to me, come to me
To the dark side where love sleeps
I’ll hurt you, you’ll love me
I’ll scratch you, I’ll cut you
You’ll kiss me, then miss me
I’ll laugh at your torment
I’ll have you, and own you
Be hard and cold to you
I’ll be your dark angel
I’ll be your worst nightmare
Silver Pearls, Silver Rain
The moon quietly weeps and melts the melancholy sky
Its tears dance across the night
I raise my head, flex my wings, smile with my beak
Soar off once more into the warm, black robes of veiled oblivion
I take the moon into my embrace
And suckle it with my sorrow
The crystal castle of my heart
With a last scented melody, given by a goddess
Shatters, planting broken glass
Through the night of my being
I feel the glass
Burning bright and cold
They form radiant constellations adorning my soul
It will be more beautiful
With such hard won jewels
But I weep with their weight
The unbearably sweet pain of birth sears my heart
It whispers to me
The birth of morning
The sky sheds blood
Grows dark, becomes dead
It grows brighter, giving birth to morning
My soul will live anew
Singing with the flocks of stars
Swimming above the constellations
Of silver pearls, silver rain.
The moon quietly weeps and melts the melancholy sky
Its tears dance across the night
I raise my head, flex my wings, smile with my beak
Soar off once more into the warm, black robes of veiled oblivion
I take the moon into my embrace
And suckle it with my sorrow
The crystal castle of my heart
With a last scented melody, given by a goddess
Shatters, planting broken glass
Through the night of my being
I feel the glass
Burning bright and cold
They form radiant constellations adorning my soul
It will be more beautiful
With such hard won jewels
But I weep with their weight
The unbearably sweet pain of birth sears my heart
It whispers to me
The birth of morning
The sky sheds blood
Grows dark, becomes dead
It grows brighter, giving birth to morning
My soul will live anew
Singing with the flocks of stars
Swimming above the constellations
Of silver pearls, silver rain.
another nice one....I just love their lyrics
[Inkubus Sukkubus "Nymphomania"]
Eyes of Love and Eyes of Fire
Hearts of Lust and Desire
Dancing, jumping, laughing, raving
Driven by a sexual craving
Here they come with love and flowers
With their songs and their dark powers
Bodies naked, hot and writhing
Belladonna wine embibing
Here they come datura dreaming
Out their minds in madness screaming
Wild spirits from the dreamworld
Nature spirits from the dreamworld
With the Nymphs you are free
In the fire of ecstasy
In a dream of sexual love
In Hell below and Heaven above
Boy meets nymph the sacred story
Told again for all it's glory
She's so wild, he can't tame her
Sex and drugs, who can blame her
He's the fingers, she's the matches
She's the fire, he'll be the ashes
He is hers for the taking
Love is hers for the faking
Forget the future come and kiss
On the Poison Lips of Bliss
Let them sing you to your death
Let them sing you to your death
========================
Author: Inkubus Sukkubus
Song: Away With The Faeries
Added by: Webmaster
Date: 2002-01-18 21:28:32
Come and lay down in the meadow
Rest your head amongst the flowers
Come and sip the sacred poison
Fly away on the wings of madness
And they were once known as angels from the sky and heaven
But now they are known as devils, demons, alien monsters
Chariot of psilocybe
Take me up to ride the lightning
Can you hear their feet a’dancing
Can you hear their voices singing?
And they were once known as angels from the sky and heaven
But now they are known as devils, demons, alien monsters
Let them fill your dreams with wonder, fever, pain and passion
Let them fill your head with thunder
On a toadstool painted scarlet
Sits a queen, a faery harlot
She will lead if you will follow
Down the road that leads to sorrow
From the Dreamworld she is calling
Come to me, come running, falling
Come and sip the sacred poison
Come and sip my sacred poison
=========================
this is for all you- christianity "admirers"
Inkubus Sukkubus "Church Of Madness"
Here come the Christian knights
Dressed in red and white
To bring the Holy Word and set the world alight
Here comes a plague of idiots blinded by their faith
Here comes the Inquisition to burn you at the stake
Here comes the Church of Madness
Bearing gifts of death and torture
Here comes the Church of Madness
Of Jesus Christ their Lord
The fire and the fury
To be our judge to be our jury
Here comes the Church of Madness
Of Jesus Christ their Lord
A new dark age descending, it’s Torquemada’s dream
Liberty lies raped, crushed, broken
Neath the Christian war machine
Nation after nation falling
In the shadow of the Christian sword
With death they bring the lore of love
What do they tell the people of their old crusades?
Of the women and the children
Impaled on Christian blades
Rejoice they say for we are saved
And we must sing the fight
Sing it till your lungs burst or they’ll set you alight!
[Inkubus Sukkubus "Nymphomania"]
Eyes of Love and Eyes of Fire
Hearts of Lust and Desire
Dancing, jumping, laughing, raving
Driven by a sexual craving
Here they come with love and flowers
With their songs and their dark powers
Bodies naked, hot and writhing
Belladonna wine embibing
Here they come datura dreaming
Out their minds in madness screaming
Wild spirits from the dreamworld
Nature spirits from the dreamworld
With the Nymphs you are free
In the fire of ecstasy
In a dream of sexual love
In Hell below and Heaven above
Boy meets nymph the sacred story
Told again for all it's glory
She's so wild, he can't tame her
Sex and drugs, who can blame her
He's the fingers, she's the matches
She's the fire, he'll be the ashes
He is hers for the taking
Love is hers for the faking
Forget the future come and kiss
On the Poison Lips of Bliss
Let them sing you to your death
Let them sing you to your death
========================
Author: Inkubus Sukkubus
Song: Away With The Faeries
Added by: Webmaster
Date: 2002-01-18 21:28:32
Come and lay down in the meadow
Rest your head amongst the flowers
Come and sip the sacred poison
Fly away on the wings of madness
And they were once known as angels from the sky and heaven
But now they are known as devils, demons, alien monsters
Chariot of psilocybe
Take me up to ride the lightning
Can you hear their feet a’dancing
Can you hear their voices singing?
And they were once known as angels from the sky and heaven
But now they are known as devils, demons, alien monsters
Let them fill your dreams with wonder, fever, pain and passion
Let them fill your head with thunder
On a toadstool painted scarlet
Sits a queen, a faery harlot
She will lead if you will follow
Down the road that leads to sorrow
From the Dreamworld she is calling
Come to me, come running, falling
Come and sip the sacred poison
Come and sip my sacred poison
=========================
this is for all you- christianity "admirers"
Inkubus Sukkubus "Church Of Madness"
Here come the Christian knights
Dressed in red and white
To bring the Holy Word and set the world alight
Here comes a plague of idiots blinded by their faith
Here comes the Inquisition to burn you at the stake
Here comes the Church of Madness
Bearing gifts of death and torture
Here comes the Church of Madness
Of Jesus Christ their Lord
The fire and the fury
To be our judge to be our jury
Here comes the Church of Madness
Of Jesus Christ their Lord
A new dark age descending, it’s Torquemada’s dream
Liberty lies raped, crushed, broken
Neath the Christian war machine
Nation after nation falling
In the shadow of the Christian sword
With death they bring the lore of love
What do they tell the people of their old crusades?
Of the women and the children
Impaled on Christian blades
Rejoice they say for we are saved
And we must sing the fight
Sing it till your lungs burst or they’ll set you alight!
Last edited:
Avatar, the poem 'that is not yours' is way too mushy to be a nice peom. Really beautiful ones are hard to come by. And atheist though I am, "a group of idiots blinded by their faith" is not an appropriate poetic image.
Just my humble opinion. The one I posted I wrote myself, I doubt if I can get anything like it up again. I will delete this post as soon as you get the point.
Just my humble opinion. The one I posted I wrote myself, I doubt if I can get anything like it up again. I will delete this post as soon as you get the point.
Another one, by me:
Bottle Shards
I smile.
So faint, so sweet
Like the soft breath of a baby;
I scream.
So heart breaking
It is covered by my wails.
So alarming.
They are covered by my inner torment;
So intense
It is lost in the suffocating tunnels of my mind:
I’m lost.
I smash into the choking walls
Surrounding me, the heavy slams are covered.
By my smile.
Bottle Shards
I smile.
So faint, so sweet
Like the soft breath of a baby;
I scream.
So heart breaking
It is covered by my wails.
So alarming.
They are covered by my inner torment;
So intense
It is lost in the suffocating tunnels of my mind:
I’m lost.
I smash into the choking walls
Surrounding me, the heavy slams are covered.
By my smile.
What to say- one giant cliche. This is abstract, trite, and pretentious, along with the fact that the subject matter is a basic no-no in any poetry- the whole 'look at me! I feel bad! I'm alone! I'm lost!' complex.
Think- in L4- you use the word 'heartbreaking' then 'covered by my wails'. Whatever connection you trying to make there was killed by the fact that being heartbreaking carries no extra precedent that it mst be covered by wails, or even that it usually isn't. You merely put heartbreaking in there because it was the easiest word choice. But a poem is art, not a diary entry.
You have the format and the drive- but not the courage- to make some great poems. This:
-is closer to that kind of poetry.
Now here's my latest- my account got frozen at PFFA due to inactivity, and I'm too lazy to get a new one for now at least.....
The Cedars of I-95
Innocent hopes follow
the dusty track on
the worn ground,
to appease the soft,
interminable twang
of a dying harp’s echo.
Immaculate cedars, pruned,
And naked; starved
writhe at the glaring of the glint.
From one lone boy’s confidant gait,
foot rises above foot, nation above self.
The soft call of the doves
perched pleasantly above our strangled
peaches, growing on our strangled trees.
Snarling the leaves from aside our thruways.
Wavering on the edge, the call
of dying acres comes mutely to his numbed ears.
He walks with the immensity
and sacrifice of the misled wraith;
a presence of the Roman Army
stretching from the Appian Way
to the intersection
of Cedar Ave. to Main.
Along this shaven, tarmac victory
lies a painful, beautiful defeat-
a wry unfolding smile that keeps
its Cheshire Cat composure
as it is splintered and bound.
Rupturing the
punctured airbag of
a speeding soul,
carelessly shifted into
a careful, domestic neutral, he walks on
until Nero’s electric fiddle
is barraged into every fiber
of his waking catonia.
Up bow, down bow-
a strike at the destiny
of a meaningless hell.
So, a flicker
of chilled fire
registers quickly-lost
to the screaming harpies
pulsating on their latest kill.
Steely ambrosia pumped
Through their taut, muscled veins:
Power out of practice.
March on, neighbor, march on.
Chronilize!
-Jon
oh cool, you brought this thread back..i could never finnd it for awhile soi stoped posting .. but hey let me go find a poem be back.....